Bonding
by grugster
Summary: Severus had tried to kill himself. He doesn't want to stay at St. Mungos's, but the only other chance is to bind himself to another person. Will he choose the bonding spell over St. Mungo's? And if yes, whom will he choose to be bond to?
1. Chapter 1

_Thanks a lot to my wonderful beta, saiyanwizardgurl, for correcting my story and improving it._

_Disclaimer: All recognizable characters belong to J.K. Rowling, and I am not earning anything by writing this story._

**_Dear readers,_**

_yes, another story. Again with Alastor and Poppy as a pair and Alastor out of character as in all my other stories. Severus will be helpless in this story and his friends have to care for him and sometimes will force him to things to survive and heal. So if you don't like this don't start reading!_

_Now were this is said I hope that there are still people, who want to read this story. _

_Sunny_

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**Chapter 1 – Albus' Visit**

"Please, Albus, I do not want to stay here any longer. I swear I will not do it again," Severus pleaded.

Albus sighed and sank deeper into his armchair in front of Severus' hospital bed. "Severus, St. Mungo's is the safest place for you at the moment."

"Safest place? Lockhart is two cells down the hall. How can you call this place safe? Please, Albus, it was a mistake. I will not do it again."

"First of all, these are not cells, Severus, but hospital rooms. Second, please do not lie to me or yourself. You are one of the greatest Potions Masters in this world and you definitely did not poison yourself by accident." Albus looked sharply at him.

Severus threw his head into his pillow, frustrated. "Merlin, Albus, I won't do it again. I cannot stand this any longer. They touch me and give me potions I do not want to take. They decide if I can leave my bed or they place a Binding Spell on it so I cannot leave."

"Severus, you tried to kill yourself," was all that Albus said.

"Yes, and you and Poppy had to prevent it," Severus mumbled as he looked at the ceiling.

"Yes, we did, and I am very grateful. Sentences like this prove that you are far from being ready to leave St. Mungo's," Albus said sadly.

Severus jerked abruptly and faced Albus. "No, I'm sorry. Forget it, please. I swear I will not try it again."

"Saying it over and over again does not make it true, Severus. The Healers say you have not improved. You are still fighting them."

"Of course I am fighting them! They touch me all the time. And I do not want to be drugged," Severus almost shouted.

"Calm down, Severus, or the Healers will cut my visit short. Your muscles are extremely stiff and need to be massaged in order to relax. That is the side effect of the potion you took to kill yourself."

Severus groaned because he hated that Albus had to say it like that. _As if I need to be reminded of what I did._

"Your headaches would also be reduced if your body was relieved of its tension, and if you would cooperate, you would feel much better. I do not think we have to discuss any potions they give you because they are Healers and they know what to do. If you have questions about the potions, you can ask Poppy this afternoon when she visits you. She is keeping close contact with the healers and is continuously informed of your condition and your medication."

"She does not have to come to visit me. Nobody has to come. Just leave me alone," Severus said, lying back in bed and turning his face away from Albus.

Albus sighed and stood up. When he sat down on Severus' bed, he took one of his hands in his. "Severus, we will visit you as long as you are here. Do not try to push us away. I had hoped that now that Voldemort is dead we could live a joyful life. I hope_ you _will start enjoying living, Severus. I wish I could understand why you did it. I wish you would talk to me about it."

When Severus did not react and continued to stare at the wall opposite Albus, he said, "Or that you would at least talk with the healers so that they can help you."

"I don't want to be here," Severus said softly.

"Severus, there is only one other option, and – "

"Yes, enslavement," Severus said bitterly and jerked his hand out of Albus' grasp.

"_Bondus protectus_ is not enslavement, Severus. It means trusting someone to take care of you completely," Albus explained calmly and laid his hand on Severus' leg.

"Letting someone see my thoughts whenever he or she wants and letting that person force me to do whatever he or she wants is slavery," Severus said in a low voice.

"You are a Legilimens, and so you know that one who reads someone else's mind has control over what he looks for and how deeply he probes the mind."

"And how does that make it any better? I am the one whose mind will get prodded, and I will have no control over how deep the caster goes and what he sees," Severus said and turn to Albus.

"That is the matter of trust, Severus. Whomever you choose to cast the spell would be someone who would not take advantage of this possibility."

Severus just snorted.

"You don't need the spell. You could just start to cooperate with the Healers, Severus," Albus said, trying to reason with his friend.

"I don't know any of them, Albus. If I cannot speak with you, Alastor, Minerva, or Poppy about this, then how am I suppose to speak with them? How can I let them touch me when I needed years, Albus, _years_, to even you and Poppy to touch me? I hate this." Severus moved his free arm over his face to hide the tears of anger and desperation that started to appear in his eyes.

Albus laid one of his hands on Severus chest and took Severus' hand again with his other. He sent a slow flow of magic to calm him. "They are professionals, Severus. They know what they are doing. There is nothing to feel embarrassed or uneasy about."

"You don't understand." Severus' voice sounded as if he was fighting down a lump in his throat.

"If it is so hard for you here, Severus, you should really consider _Bondus protectus. _Maybe it would be more bearable for you if we took care of you at Hogwarts. Just think about it."

"Fantastic, letting you all see inside my head whenever you want and having full control over everything I do. What a possibility," Severus said bitterly.

"We would not use it against you, Severus. And you would only be bound to one of us. If you cooperate, it would not even be necessary for the person to whom you are bound to force you to do anything. This is just an ability that the bond gives to the dominant person to ensure that the person he is taking care of does not hurt himself and does everything that is needed for him to heal as best as possible. The ability to read the mind is only an option to use when it is obvious that the person is lying and could endanger himself." Albus had stopped the magic flow, but his hand was still resting on Severus' chest.

"I would be nothing but a slave." Severus said hoarsely as he fought against the lump in his throat.

"As I said, it is just an option, Severus. And it would only be temporary." He took his hand from Severus chest and squeezed his hand one last time. "I have to go now. I will return with Poppy, Minerva, and Alastor at one o'clock."

Severus did not lower is arm, and Albus sighed once more before leaving the hospital room.

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Please review and let me know if you are interested in this story.**_


	2. Chapter 2

_Thanks a lot to my wonderful beta, saiyanwizardgurl, for correcting my story and improving it._

_Disclaimer: All recognizable characters belong to J.K. Rowling, and I am not earning anything by writing this story._

_I'm not a native English speaker!_

**

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Chapter 2 – Healer Pearce**

"We have already called for Healer Pearce. Maybe you should wait here. I think that is the safest thing to do," a young and nervous junior Healer said.

"We are capable of standing Severus' outbursts. We would prefer to see him now, and maybe we can help to calm him down," Albus said firmly.

"I'm not sure, Professor Dumbledore. He is really out of control. We placed a Binding Spell on his bed so that he can't leave it, and the bed clothes are charmed so that he can't hurt himself, but we need Healer Pearce to give him something to calm him down. All the Healers-in-Charge are tending to an emergency, but he will be here soon."

"As I said, we would prefer to see him now. Madam Pomfrey here is a Mediwitch and maybe she can help," Albus said, already pushing past the unsure junior Healer.

"He really is in a bad mood, Professor." She even had the courage to follow Albus and block his way again. "Professor Snape refused to eat and take his potion. He threw a fit and damaged everything he could reach before we were able to get him back on the bed and cast the Binding Spell."

"I can hardly imagine what could have provoked this reaction. Could the meal have been the reason?" Albus asked.

"No, he just refused the meal, but when we wanted to check him and loosen his muscles, he started to fight us violently."

"Again?" Poppy asked and caught the attention of the Healer.

The junior Healer became more nervous. "Maybe you should talk with Healer Pearce. I'm just an apprentice, so I can't tell you much. Nobody here is worried about it. They say it is normal that he is still fighting us. The time at which a patient decides to accept help depends on the person. Professor Snape still tries to find a way out of everything. The more he realizes that the only way out here is to heal and talk about what happened, the more he will fight us. He is not at the point where he will give in and let us help him. Healer Pearce said he is a very private and withdrawn man and therefore will not accept help easily."

"You are playing for time. Why?" Poppy asked sternly.

The Healer nervously shifted from one foot to another. "Like I said, there is an emergency, and I don't know if I'm allowed to let you in. He might hurt you. He is really out of control. Healer Meyer is with him, but he is still shouting." She glanced past the professors and sighed in relief. "Oh Merlin, Healer Pearce, Professor Snape – "

"Yes, yes, I already heard," the Healer said as he approached the group. "Do you want to come with me, or do you want to wait until he has calmed down?" he asked the professors.

"We would like to help, Brian," Poppy said.

"Okay, but please let me speak with him. He has to take the potion to calm down. Magic flow only doesn't help to calm his nerves as well as the potion." He looked seriously at Albus.

"Of course, Healer Pearce. I know that he is your patient, and I won't do anything against your advice," Albus said honestly.

"Okay, we should go and see what is bothering Severus so much." With wide steps, he headed in the direction of Severus' room.

When they entered the room, they could see Healer Meyer standing in a corner watching a very agitated Severus. She looked relieved to see the Healer.

"You can leave, Mary," Healer Pearce said and went over to Severus. The Healer took the damaged dishes and left the room.

Severus was tearing at his bed sheet. It was charmed to be untearable and so he had not had any success. When he saw Albus and the others, he threw himself as far in their direction as possible. The Binding Charm was holding him to the bed. "Albus, please take me with you. Merlin, I'll do anything, I swear. Please get me out of here."

"Calm down, Severus," Albus said, worried, and made a step in Severus' direction.

Healer Pearce stopped him by raising his hand and saying warningly, "Albus."

"No, Albus, please!" Severus was pleading desperately. When he saw that Albus stopped and nodded his head to the Healer, he crouched as far away from the approaching Healer as possible.

Healer Pearce sat down on the edge of the bed and looked closely at Severus. "What is troubling you, Severus?"

"Leave me alone," Severus shouted at the Healer.

"No, I won't, Severus," Healer Pearce said gently.

"I don't want to see you or your damn potions." Severus glared angrily at the vial in the Healer's hand.

"This potion will help you calm down, and then we can talk about what is bothering you."

Severus was still tearing at his bedclothes. "No, I won't take it. Go away." Healer Pearce just sat on the edge of the bed and watched Severus. "What are you looking at? Leave me alone!" Severus shouted. Still, Healer Pearce sat calmly on the bed.

Severus was furious. He wanted to speak with Albus. He had made his decision. His visitors just stood near the door and waited. _He won't let them speak with me before he gets what he wants, _Severus thought, still hardly able to control his anger. "Will you leave me alone if I take your damn potion?" he asked loudly.

"We will talk after you've taken it, Severus," the Healer said calmly.

"I don't want to talk. I want your damn Healers to stay away from me. I don't want them to touch me. I'm no damn experiment." The memory from a few minutes before only fueled his anger.

"It wasn't okay what the Healers did, Severus. I'm sorry, but I was called away to an emergency. Otherwise, I would have prevented it. Of course you are no experiment. I will have a word with Healer Meyer later. Please take your potion, Severus, because I would prefer to talk with you while you are calm and can concentrate on what we are talking about."

"I don't want to talk with you about anything!" Severus pronounced every word for emphasis.

"That won't get us anywhere, Severus. You cannot heal if you refuse to talk to me." He held the vial near his body because Severus was still in a destroying mood.

"I don't want to heal! I want to die!" Severus shouted loudly. He was breathing harshly and stared at the Healer in shock. _Damn, why did I say that?_ A gasp from the door made him look at Minerva and the other visitors. "Merlin, I'm sorry," Severus said and hid his face in his hands. All the anger was gone at once and Severus could only feel sadness and desperation.

"Nothing to be sorry about, Severus. It's good to tell us what you feel even if it is that you still want to die."

"I...I don't...I" Severus stuttered, still hiding his face in his hands.

"It's all right, Severus. Don't start to lie to us now. You still want to die. Come on, take the potion and then we can speak more calmly, okay?" He cautiously laid a hand on Severus' arm, and when Severus did not flinch away, he sent a calming magic flow into his patient. Slowly, he coaxed Severus to lower his arms and take the potion. "That's it, Severus. Very good." He lowered the headboard and arranged the bedclothes. Severus was just laying there, defeated. Healer Pearce felt his pulse and then said, "How do you feel now, Severus?"

"I don't want to be like this. I..." Severus said calmly, but he was still desperate.

"Shhh, Severus, don't fight it. It's not a strong draught, so it won't make you feel weird. It just helps you to concentrate on the actual situation and not on past problems. Let it soothe your nerves and thoughts," Healer Pearce said in a very calm and gentle voice as he rested his hand on Severus' forehead to scan him magically.

"I want to speak with Albus," Severus said, and after looking at the Healer he added, "Please!"

"I know, Severus, but first I would like to hear what unsettled you so much. I heard that you started to protest when you were supposed to eat, and the last straw was Healer Meyer wanting Judy to massage you, right?" Healer Pearce asked and drew his hand back from Severus' forehead.

"I don't want them to touch me. I told them, but nobody is interested in what I want, right?"

"Of course we are interested in what you want, but you have to eat and your muscles have to be loosened, Severus. That is necessary for you to survive and that is what we are mainly looking for at the moment. It's something you don't want because you can't think clearly."

"I can think very clearly. There is nothing for me to live for any...Merlin I don't want to talk with you. Leave me alone." Thanks to the potion, he was not as forceful as before.

"Why are you fighting us so much, Severus? There is still so much to live for. For example, the people over there." Healer Pearce gestured to the small group of professors near the door.

Severus groaned. "You don't understand anything."

"Then explain it to me."

"Please let me speak with Albus," Severus asked, looking directly at Healer Pearce.

"Okay, Severus." The Healer stood up and went over to the professors. "Call me when you need me." With that, he left the room.

Poppy was at Severus' side in a flash. It was as if someone had held her on a leash and she had pulled herself free. "Merlin, Severus, what are you _doing_?" She stroked the hair out of his face and took one of his hands.

"Please don't leave me here, Poppy. Don't leave me alone with them," Severus pleaded.

Alastor was at his side now as well as Albus. Minerva stayed at the foot of his bed.

"You gave us quite a shock, lad," Alastor said and patted Severus leg.

Severus accepted the touches. It was okay. _It feels so good to have them around. Even if I would prefer to be dead, it feels good to not be alone._ Albus had taken Severus' other hand and was lightly stroking it with his thumb.

The potion made Severus a little drowsy, and it was easier for him to relax and let them touch him. Thinking about the Healers made him tense up again.

"Don't start brooding, Severus. Stay with us. Here, come on, drink some water for me," Poppy said gently and coaxed Severus to drink a few sips of water.

Severus looked at Albus, "Please get me out of here, Albus. I'll do everything you want."

Albus sighed heavily. "Severus, you just made very clear that you still want to die. You cannot expect me to convince the Healers to let you go just so that you can use the next opportunity to try to kill yourself again. We want you to live, Severus. Voldemort is dead and you can live freely now."

Severus wanted to avert his gaze from Albus, but in whatever direction he turned his face, there always was someone. The only option he had was closing his eyes.

Poppy gently stroked his hair. "Please, don't shut yourself from us."

Severus opened his eyes and spoke to the room. "Please, I will take the damn enslavement spell, but don't leave me here any longer."

Albus pulled Severus' hand to his chest and encircled it with both his hands now. "Severus, that isn't a decision that should be made while you are angry or desperate. We can talk about it tomorrow."

Severus panicked as much as the potion would let him. "No, please, Albus. I don't want to stay another night here. Please! You don't understand."

"Severus, calm down. Albus is right. That is a life-altering decision. You are under the influence of a Calming Draught and you are desperate," Alastor said and sat down on the edge of Severus' bed.

"No, I wanted to tell Albus all this time, I swear. But Healer Pearce didn't let me before I took the potion." Severus explained feverishly to Alastor.

"You decided this because you was angry at the Healers, lad," Alastor said calmly and scanned Severus' face with his magical eye.

"No, Alastor, please, I can't stay here any longer. I'm going crazy. Please take me with you." Severus was desperate, and he did not even feel embarrassed at pleading so openly. The only thing he wanted right now was for them to not leave him.

"If you want, I will stay here with you, but the decision about the bond will be made tomorrow after you've slept," Alastor said in a tone that Severus knew meant it was useless to discuss the topic any longer.

"But you will stay?" he asked to make sure that Alastor really would keep his promise.

"Yes, I will," Alastor said.

Poppy patted Severus' head. "Now that this is settled, I will get something to eat for you."

"I'm not – " Severus started to protest.

"No arguing, Severus," Poppy ordered, already on her way to the door.

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_**Please review!**_


	3. Chapter 3

_Thanks a lot to my wonderful beta, saiyanwizardgurl, for correcting my story and improving it._

_Disclaimer: All recognizable characters belong to J.K. Rowling, and I am not earning anything by writing this story._

_**Dear maureen,**_

_just be patient about yuor wish! ;)And there is no big deal behind hat Severus don't want to be touched. He is just someone who is very private and never likes to let people near him before he knows them very well._

_**Dear readers,**_

_thanks for your review! Please don't stop telling me your opinion!_

_Sunny_

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Chapter 3 – Poppy Takes Over**

Soon Poppy was back with a tray full of food and a vial of yellow liquid. Severus groaned when he saw the vial. It was the oil they used for massaging him.

"Stop scowling, Severus," said Poppy in her no-nonsense voice. "You must be in pain. Healer Pearce informed me your last massage was at ten."

Albus popped the headboard up so that Severus could sit. "And now you will eat something, Severus. You are only skin and bones."

Severus sighed, frustrated.

Minerva had sat down beside his left foot and Alastor beside his right one. On his left side was Albus, and to his right, Poppy was busy with the tray of food. Severus was torn between hating the attention and enjoying not being alone any longer. He was deep in thought when he heard Poppy. "Open up, Severus!" she ordered and moved a spoon of pea soup near Severus' mouth.

"I can eat by myself," Severus protested.

"I don't think so Severus, but if you insist," Poppy said, and put the spoon in the bowl.

Severus leaned over the tray and took the spoon with trembling hands. His muscles were very stiff, and he was tired beyond imagination. He wanted to prove to Poppy that he could do it, but he already knew that he would fail.

When the spoon reached his mouth, there was hardly any soup on it. Instead, it was all over his bedclothes. Severus groaned and threw the spoon on the tray. "I'm not hungry."

"You already said that, but it doesn't change the fact that you need to eat, Severus. You are underweight and the potions work better if you have something in your stomach," Poppy said as she took the spoon again and filled it with soup. "Now, be a good patient and let me feed you."

"Poppy I – " Severus started again to protest, but was interrupted be a squeeze of his right lower leg.

"Come on, lad. Let Poppy feed you. We can all see that you are tired. Eat something, and then you can rest," Alastor said.

Severus sighed in resignation and opened his mouth. After a few spoons he felt full and feared he would throw up if he ate more. "Please, no more, Poppy." He moved his face away from the spoon.

He could hear the cling of the spoon as it was placed back in the bowl. "Okay, Severus, that was very good. Please try to eat a few spoons of the applesauce for me," Poppy tried to convince him.

Severus was so tired that he did not have the energy to argue with her, and he ate two spoonfuls of applesauce before finally refusing to eat anything more. Some juice and then, to Severus' great relief, the tray was moved away from his bed.

Severus had closed his eyes and so was startled when something wet touched his face.

"Calm down, Severus, I'm just cleaning you up," Poppy explained as she sponged Severus' face. He tried to avoid the sponge, but she was too skilled and countered every evasion.

"I'm not an invalid," Severus protested.

"Already finished," Poppy said, ignoring his comment. Then she lowered the headboard. "Now, I will loosen you muscles, Severus."

"No." Severus was fully awake again, and he clutched the bedclothes vehemently. His eyes wandered over to Minerva. Under no circumstances would he let her see him get one of those massages.

Albus realized Severus' discomfort concerning Minerva, and when he looked at her, Albus realized that she was not looking forward to it as well. "Perhaps Minerva and I should say our goodbyes for now. I will return this afternoon and bring Alastor some things he needs for his stay here, all right?"

Severus was relieved that at least two of his friends would not be present when he was put on display so openly. Some of the tension left his body. "We will see you later, Severus. Be good and let Poppy do her work." He squeezed Severus' hand and moved away from the bed to give Minerva, who had come closer, more room.

"I...I don't really know what to say, Severus," Minerva said and shyly took Severus' hand.

"You don't have to say anything, Minerva. You didn't have to come here," Severus said while staring at Minerva's hand in his.

"But I wanted to come. I'm very worried, you know? I just don't know what to say to help you." Minerva looked sadly at him, and Severus turned his face away from her.

"You can't help me. No one can," he said bitterly.

Minerva sighed. That was exactly the answer she feared she would get. Albus laid a comforting hand on her shoulder and gently said, "Come on, Minerva, we should let Poppy take care of him."

Minerva looked miserable as she let go of Severus' hand, and when she looked at Albus, she could not suppress the tears any longer. Albus sighed and embraced Minerva. When she had calmed down, he led her out of the room.

"I will start at your feet, Severus," Poppy said and lifted the bedclothes so that Severus was uncovered from the waist down. With a flick of her wand, Severus' pajama bottoms were removed.

Severus started to blush even though he still had his boxers on. He felt embarrassed and vulnerable, but he was glad that Poppy had only bared him halfway. The Healers made him lay naked on the bed when they massaged him. Severus felt so humiliated by it that he sometimes threw up.

Alastor had moved to Severus other side, took his hand and laid the other on Severus' forehead. "Just relax, Severus. It will be over soon."

Poppy had already started to massage his right foot and was now loosening the muscles in Severus' calf. "You shouldn't try to fight them off when they want to massage you, Severus. You must be in a lot of pain. Your muscles are stiff like hell," she scolded him.

When she had finished both legs, she conjured clean pajama bottoms. "I have to put these on you without magic this time. The magic would make your muscles stiff again." She quickly dressed him with skilled hands. When she had arranged the bedclothes over Severus' feet, she moved to his upper body. A quick Cleaning Spell and another Protection Spell on her hands ensured that they were clean and that the potion-infused oil would not affect her. Normally, a Healer did not start to massage a patient from the feet, but she preferred it this way because the patient was able to get used to the massage when it started at the feet. The chest was a more vulnerable area, so starting on the feet and legs helped the patient realize that the massage was nice.

Severus sighed, relaxed, when Poppy lowered the sheets over his feet. His legs had not felt so good since he was admitted to St. Mungo's. A warm sensation was streaming through his body. Severus enjoyed this feeling, but he stiffened again when Poppy lifted the bedclothes off his chest and removed his shirt.

"Shhh, Severus, you think too much," Poppy said and started to massage his right hand and arm. "Your feet are already feeling much better, aren't they? Try to relax."

Severus groaned but leaned into Alastor's hand, which the wizard had laid on his forehead. The massage oil was spiked with a Calming Draught, and so Severus relaxed more as he inhaled it. He wondered why it did not affect Alastor and Poppy. Nobody had explained to him why only the combination of the oil seeping into the skin and the inhalation of the vapors made the patient drowsy and relaxed. The Healers always started with his chest so that he would not fight them for the rest of the massage. Usually, they drugged him with a potion before they even started.

"Turn over, Severus," Poppy ordered when she was finished with his front. Severus was no longer able to move on his own. With a little help from Alastor, the lethargic man was turned onto his stomach.

Poppy looked worriedly at the vial. "What the hell did they put into it that knocks him out like this?"

"Maybe you should stop applying it," Alastor said, concerned.

"No, he won't inhale it when I apply it to his back. I'll just finish this, and then I will speak with Brain," Poppy replied.

Soon Severus was finished, and Poppy and Alastor dressed him completely. He was asleep, but that did not satisfy Poppy. She was furious that they used such strong potions on Severus. A little more effort in convincing him and they would not need something like this. This has to change, or else Brain was going to have to withstand her anger.

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PLEASE REVIEW!**_


	4. Chapter 4

_Thanks a lot to my wonderful beta, saiyanwizardgurl, for correcting my story and improving it._

_Disclaimer: All recognizable characters belong to J.K. Rowling, and I am not earning anything by writing this story._

_**Dear maureen,**_

_it would be much easier to communicate with you if you would get an account here so that I could reply directly on your reviews! I don't really understand your question. Whom did you mean with 'him'? Minerva is a single in this story. It is open if she will become more for Severus in future like in Taking Care. She is definitely not together with Albus if that was your question. Your question was confusing because in "A better childhood" Severus is a small child. I just guess you meant Taking Care.  
_

_Sunny_

**_Dear readers,_**

_my beta for this story is reall quick these days, and so I can offer you such quick updates lately. Unfortunately my other betas aren't as fast as her. Especially my beta for "A Better Childhood" and "The Final Breeze". If someone of you is waiting for these to be updated I have to apoologize. I have already 5 more chapters ready, but my beta has no time. :(_

_Sunny_

**

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Chapter 4 – Don't Leave Me**

When Poppy came back into the room, Alastor was snoring in his chair and Severus was also still asleep, but not so soundly. A wave of her wand, and Alastor's chair changed into a comfortable armchair, causing him to stir.

"Damn, I fell asleep," he cursed and looked worriedly over at Severus.

"He's still sleeping, Alastor, and he will stay like that for some time, so you might as well rest. I assume you will need as much energy as possible tonight," Poppy said gently.

Alastor struggled to sit up. "Have you spoken with Healer Pearce?"

"Yes, I have. It seems Severus is creating more problems here than we thought. He will not accept their help. His reactions are very violent, and he even works himself into a state were he throws up," Poppy told Alastor as she sat down in a chair next to her husband.

"That doesn't sound good," Alastor said, concerned. Having a closer look at his wife made him worry not only for Severus but also for her. "Everything all right, darling? You look pale."

Poppy sighed. "I'm very worried. To be honest, I hope he still wants the spell tomorrow. He's getting worse here in the hospital. Brian confessed that he often has to take care of other patients and lets the junior Healers tend to Severus. There are still too many victims from the battle here that need his attention. We also discussed consulting another Healer from a different ward, someone who also works outside. If Severus decides to have the spell placed on him, we would have a Healer that could care for Severus outside of St. Mungo's. At least that would be only one person that Severus has to learn to trust with his problems."

"And Healer Pearce can't do it?" Alastor asked, worried that another person might hurt Severus.

"No, he has too much work, and Severus has too many bad memories that he links with Brian. I know the new Healer. I think Severus will get along with him, but the quicker we get him out of here the better."

Alastor leaned over and grabbed Poppy's hands. "Maybe you should go now. There is nothing you can do here at the moment. You said yourself that he will sleep for some time. Please pack some things for me and give them to Albus when he comes this evening."

"Yes, I really would like to leave the hospital. It's awful to see that they cannot help Severus as he deserves it." Poppy stood up, kissed her husband, and then glanced one last time at Severus before she left.

__________

When Severus woke up, he felt more rested than he had in the last days. He suddenly remembered the events that occurred before his slumber and panicked when he realized that he was alone. _Alastor promised to stay with me. Why did he leave? _ The feeling of betrayal crept up in him. _They all left me. Why can't they at least let me end my fucking life?_ He had the urge to smash something or hurt himself. He saw a glass of water on his night table, and, even though he knew it was unbreakable, he grabbed for it and tried to shatter it. At that moment, Alastor came out of the small bathroom that was attached to the room.

"What are you doing?" he shouted and limped as fast as possible over to Severus.

Alastor's shout made Severus stop in tracks. Before he could even say something, Alastor had grabbed his wrist and pried the glass out of Severus' hand.

"I...I – " Severus stuttered.

"You what, Severus? Don't ever do that again, do you understand me? I didn't offer to stay with you to see you try to kill yourself. Do that one more time, and you will regret it." Alastor had worked himself up and was shouting at the stunned wizard in bed.

_Oh Merlin, I really made him mad_, Severus thought fearfully. "I'm sorry. I...I thought you left me."

"I keep my promises, Severus, but even I have natural needs that have to be taken care of." Thinking about what Severus had just said made him ask, "And thinking I had gone gave you the idea to smash a glass and do what?" Seeing Severus just stare, open-mouthed, at him made Alastor grab the front of his pajama top. His face only inches away from Severus', he spoke dangerously, "I swear that I will bring you back every time you try to kill yourself, Severus. Do you hear me? Every time until you understand that there is still something to live for. That there are people who care for you and want to live a happy life together with you. I will not let you die!" He pronounced every word in his last sentence for emphasis.

Severus gulped. "I'm sorry, Alastor." He was scared, but it also felt very good to have someone that was that worried about him.

Realizing what he had done, Alastor let go of him and ran a hand through his hair. "I'm sorry, Severus. I shouldn't have lost control, but seeing you doing this...Merlin, I'm sorry." He let himself fall into the armchair.

"No, you don't have to. I should not have done it. I just wanted to hurt myself. But I can't. They charmed everything in this room so that I cannot even get a paper cut," Severus said, gesturing to the newspaper on the small table near his bed.

"Only because you thought I left?" Alastor asked.

Severus threw himself back onto his cushion. "Yeah, stupid, I know."

Alastor stood up and sat on the edge of the bed. "No, Severus, you are not stupid. I'm really sorry that you thought I left you. Next time, I will let you know before I go to the toilet."

"I do not think that will be necessary. Next time, I will remember the possibility that you could be in the bathroom," Severus said, slightly embarrassed.

"Good, lad. What do you think about me reading to you for a bit?" Alastor suggested.

"Reading?" Severus asked, confused.

"From the Daily Prophet or some of the books Minerva brought you. Sherlock Holmes, if I remember correctly."

"Sherlock Holmes would be fine, but you don't have to – "

"Yeah, yeah, but I would like to. Albus won't be here until after 6 pm, so we still have an hour," Alastor said, and he rummaged in the night table drawer for the book.

"Merlin, did I sleep that long? Have they done anything to me while I was asleep?" Severus asked, almost panicking again.

"No, just a few Diagnostic Spells. Shall I start?" Alastor asked.

Severus only nodded.

____________

When Albus came back, he was carrying a small bag with Alastor's clothes. "With best wishes from Poppy," he said cheerfully as he gave Alastor the bag.

"Oh, fantastic. Could you take over reading for me? I would like to change into something more comfortable." Alastor stood up and went into the bathroom.

Albus sat down on Severus' bed and took his hand. "How do you feel, my boy? Have you rested well?"

"I slept the whole afternoon. Not that I wished to be awake, but – "

"I understand, Severus. It's hard for you to sleep when you don't trust the people around you," Albus said gently.

"Please, Albus, can we not place the spell now? I promise I have thought about it. Please," Severus pleaded in the hopes of taking advantage of the understanding mood Albus was in at the moment.

"One more night. I want you to sleep on it." Seeing Severus starting to protest, he added, "Sleep on it, not nap on it."

Severus groaned. _Again, I have lost the battle_.

"Alastor will stay with you and will ensure that you are fine, Severus. Do you want me to read to you?" Alastor asked, squeezing Severus' hand.

"They will come soon with supper," Severus said, annoyed.

As if on cue, the door opened and two Healers came in. One was the young junior Healer they had met that afternoon and the other was Healer Pearce. The junior Healer set the tray in front of Severus and Healer Pearce propped the headboard up. "You can leave, Judy," Healer Pearce said, and the young woman obliged gladly. Alastor had come back from the bathroom and sat down again.

"You can go to the Visitor's Tea Room to eat, Professors. If you don't want to leave me alone with Severus, one of you can get something and bring it up here. Eating in company is always better than being alone, right Severus?" Healer Pearce asked.

"I would prefer to not eat at all," Severus said grumpily.

"I know, but you have to, Severus," the Healer said sternly. "You know the procedure. First, some food, then the potion, and then the rest of supper."

Severus looked at the plate. Two slices of bread, one with cheese and the other with meat, a tomato, and some slices of cucumber were lying on it.

Albus stood up. "I will get us something to eat, Alastor. Anything particular you would like?"

Alastor waved his hand and said, "No, I don't care. Bring whatever you want." Satisfied that Severus had already started to eat, Albus left the room.

After Severus had forced down half of the cheese bread, Healer Pearce offered him the potion. Severus stared at it, but did not make a move to take it. Seeing this, Alastor stood up and came over to him. "Come on, Severus, remember I will stay here and watch...you." He wanted to say 'watch what they do to you,' but he stopped himself when he looked at the Healer. _He at least seem to really want to help Severus_. Severus sighed, but then grabbed the vial and drained it of its contents.

Albus came back, loaded with a tray of two plates full of food. Severus was distracted by his friends arranging their supper on the small table Alastor had conjured. Only Healer Pearce's prodding made Severus remember his own meal. He ate the rest of the slice of bread with cheese and the vegetables. Then he leaned back.

"That's not enough, Severus. Do you think you can eat a little more?" Healer Pearce tried to convince him to eat the rest of his supper. Severus just shook his head. "I'm sorry, but you know what that means." He took Severus' arm and placed his wand in the crook of his elbow. Severus winced as the Nutrient Potion flowed from the wand into his vein.

Albus was surprised that Severus did not fight the Healer, but then he remembered that he had taken the Calming Draught. When the procedure was over, Healer Pearce said, "Okay, Severus, you can relax." He Vanished the tray and started to undress Severus.

"No, please." Severus struggled and tried to prevent the Healer from undressing him.

"Stop fighting, Severus. You know we have to do it." He laid a hand on Severus' forehead and let calming magic flow into him. When Severus was relaxed enough, he continued undressing him.

Albus came over and laid a reassuring hand on Severus' forehead. "Relax, Severus, you will feel much better after the massage." It did not help much, but at least Severus did not feel so alone. When he was turned on his stomach, he fell asleep, so he did not notice the new Healer entering the room.

**

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Please review! If there is a particular scene you liked most I would also love to know!  
**


	5. Chapter 5

_Thanks a lot to my wonderful beta, saiyanwizardgurl, for correcting my story and improving it._

_Disclaimer: All recognizable characters belong to J.K. Rowling, and I am not earning anything by writing this story._

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**Chapter 5 – Healer James Smith**

_Albus came over and laid a reassuring hand on Severus' forehead. "Relax, Severus, you will feel much better after the massage." _

_It did not help much, but at least Severus did not feel so alone. When he was turned on his stomach, he fell asleep, so he did not notice the new Healer entering the room._

"It appears I'm too late," the new Healer said while coming over to Severus' bed. He laid a hand on the back of Severus' head while Healer Pearce was massaging Severus' back. "Is it really necessary to knock him out like this?"

"Yes, he won't accept the massage without it. At least not from some of us," Healer Pearce explained. He did not seem to take offense to the question. "At least his Calming Draught is mild."

The new Healer went over to Alastor and Albus. They had finished their meal and where looking curiously at him. "Hello, I'm Healer Smith, but you can call me James." He smiled friendly and offered both men his hand. Then he conjured a chair and sat down to speak with them. "Poppy asked me to have a look at Professor Snape and see if he would accept my help."

"Yes, she told me about it. She said you two know each other," Alastor said, eying the Healer skeptically.

"Yes, we met a few times at conferences and training sessions. We have also worked together on a few patients. She is a very experienced and talented Mediwitch."

"You don't have to beat around the bush, Healer Smith," Alastor said grumpily, emphasizing his impatience by using the Healer's official title.

Albus was eying the scene a little worriedly. _ We should not bite his head off before we know if Severus would like to work with him._ "Alastor, maybe – "

James interrupted him by raising his hand. "I'm not trying to beat around the bush, Mr. Moody. I know very well that you are all worried about the Professor and that you are not happy with the treatment here at the hospital. The possibilities here are limited, but if Professor Snape decides to employ the spell, we have many more ways to help him. Poppy knows me and thought that he might accept help from me. If he does not want me as his Healer, I will understand. I cannot work with someone who is determined to fight me."

Healer Pearce had left the room after tucking Severus in. "Excuse me for a moment," James said and went over to the bed.

He laid one of his hands on Severus' forehead and the other on his chest. He frowned. When Albus came over to him he explained, "He is trying to fight the potions even in his sleep. He won't get much rest. There is a lot of angst and anger in him." He let go of Severus and turned to Albus. "How is he reacting to Poppy?"

Albus looked to Alastor, who tried to stand up to join the men at the bed.

"No, no, please stay seated." He gestured for Albus to follow him back to Alastor. Soon, they were all sitting again. "So, is he reacting positively to Poppy's treatment?" James asked Alastor.

"He tries to fight her at first, but he relaxes after a while, I think. I'm no Healer, so maybe you should ask Poppy about it," Alastor explained, not so unfriendly now.

"But he is definitely accepting her help better than the Healers here at St. Mungo's, right?"

"Yes. The Healers knock him out. Look at him," Alastor said, feeling the anger boil up in him again.

James leaned a little closer to Alastor. "Is it all right if I touch your hand, Professor Moody?"

"What?" Alastor backed away as far as the back of the armchair let him.

"Just to calm you a little. It seems something has worried you very much today. Was it the treatment the Healers gave your friend or something else? I would really like to calm you, if you let me," James said soothingly.

"I don't really need to be calmed, James," Alastor said defensively.

James smiled. "Thank you for trusting me so much to call me by my first name. That means a lot. I can understand that you are very upset with most Healers. I will just place my hand here and you can take it back when you feel like it," James explained as he placed his hand on the arm rest with his palm up.

"No really, James, I don't need this," Alastor said and again tried to back away from the hand as far as possible.

"Nothing to fear, Professor Moody. You can pull your hand away whenever you want," James said gently, never breaking eye contact.

"I'm married to a Mediwitch. I know everything about you sneaky Healers. 'Oh Alastor, just let me feel your forehead.' Next thing I know, I've been knocked out by a Sleeping Charm. So if I take your hand, I will be lying next to Severus in a minute."

James laughed. "Comparing me to your wife is quite a compliment. But I can assure you that you can pull your hand away. If you should become more on edge than you already are, which would be the only thing that would prevent you from pulling your hand away on your own because the magic could overpower you, you can still tell me to stop and I will. I'm a professional Healer, not a wife trying to trick her husband in good nature."

Alastor sighed. "You are insistent, aren't you? I don't even know why you think this is so important, but if giving you my hand is the only way to shut you up, here it is," Alastor said, annoyed, and placed his hand on James'. The Healer slowly closed his hand lightly and continued to look at Alastor's face.

"Shouldn't you start doing your magic thing?" Alastor asked edgily.

"May I call you by your first name, or do you prefer your formal title?" James asked.

"Alastor is fine, but start your work; I want my hand back as soon as possible," he barked.

James opened his hand again. "You can have it back whenever you want, Alastor."

"Yeah, yeah, I understood the message. But I also know that you won't leave me in peace until you see for yourself that I'm perfectly calm. So just do it!"

James closed his hand again gently while holding eye contact. This made Alastor even more nervous. "What is bothering you so much, Alastor?"

"What? I don't know what you are talking about," Alastor protested.

"Something made you really angry. I would like to know what," James said in a monotone voice.

"What made me angry? You want to know what made me angry?" Alastor shouted. He felt the first tickle of calming magic flow into him. He looked shocked at his hand and lost track of his thoughts.

"Tell me what had angered you," James' monotone voice penetrated his mind.

"You all. You damn Healers." He breathed in deeply and felt the magic flow further into him. "They don't even take the time to try to convince him. They don't sit with him; they just come in and treat him like a machine that can be switched on and off." He breathed deeply. That's what the magic made him do. The calming magic was flowing like a thick liquid through his veins and spread to his chest.

"Something has worried you, Alastor. You can tell me what it is. What made you feel so helpless?" James could see it in Alastor's eyes. He did not have to magically scan Alastor to read his emotions. They were written very clearly on his face.

"I scared him. I attacked him." Alastor slumped down in the chair. "Oh, Merlin, I failed him."

Albus stiffened in his seat, and James threw a quick glance over to him. "What happened, Alastor?" James reduced the flow of calming magic so that Alastor could still think clearly and speak, but would not be overwhelmed by his emotions.

Alastor told them about the accident when he was in the bathroom and how he had reacted when he saw Severus trying to break the glass. "I screamed at him, and I even grabbed him."

"How did the Professor react?" James asked.

"The Professor?" Alastor looked confused and dazed.

James lessened the flow of magic. "How did Severus react?"

"He was shocked. What do you think?" Alastor looked confused at the Healer. He was no longer dazed. James had lessened the calming magic to a very slow flow.

"Did he bolt away? Tried to hide?"

"No, he just looked shocked. I'm no better than all these Healers." Alastor said sadly and sank deeper into his armchair. "Please stop the magic." James stopped the flow instantly and opened his hand.

"You were worried," came a drowsy voice from the bed.

All three men turned to see Severus lying on his side watching them. Albus and Alastor were shocked that Severus was awake. James conjured another armchair and asked, "Want to join us?"

"I'm not allowed out of bed. They placed a charm on it," Severus said, still drowsy.

James waved his wand to remove the spell and went over to the bed. "If you want, you can join us. Shall I help you?" James offered gently.

"Who are you?" Severus asked, already trying to sit up. He felt dizzy and tired from the potion. His arms gave in, and his fall back was prevented by James' quick hands. Severus stiffened immediately.

"I'm sorry. I normally would ask before touching you, but the situation did not give me much time," James explained while moving the stiff man into a position where it was safe to let go of him. He held his hands, palms up, in front of him. "My name is Healer James Smith. You may just call me James if you like."

Severus looked puzzled at him. He did not know what he was expected to say, and so he decided to remain silent.

"May I help you over to the chair?" James asked. Severus eyed the chair and pondered over the possibility of reaching it alone. "I could also levitate you over, if you prefer, Professor Snape," James offered.

"No," Severus said quickly. "Help is enough."

"Okay, Professor. I will lead you by your arm, all right?" James asked. He did not touch Severus and waited for his approval.

"Fine, what are you waiting for?" Severus asked, confused.

"Your permission," James explained.

Severus rolled his eyes. "You have my permission to move my body over there," Severus spat.

"I thought you wanted me to assist you over to the armchair, not move you over there. You have to tell me exactly what you want, Professor."

Severus groaned. "I'm Severus, and you are annoying me. What kind of Healer are you? They never ask me how I want something."

"I'm not like them. I'm just someone who wants to help you." He gestured to the two Professors, but did not break eye contact with Severus.

"You are not using Legilimency on me, are you? Did they give me something to not realize when you use Legilimence?" Severus panicked.

James sighed and rummage in the night table for a robe. "No, I'm not a Legilimens, Severus." He turned back to Severus with a gray bathrobe in hand. "It seems this will take some time, so you should at least put this on. Is it okay for me to help you with it?"

"Yes, it is," Severus said sullenly. As James helped him quickly into the bathrobe, Severus added, "And you are allowed to help me over to the chair as well."

"Thank you very much for letting me help you," James said and brought the wizard over to his friends. He put some slippers on Severus' feet and tucked a blanket over the ill wizard. In a few minutes, they were all sitting comfortably and ready to talk.

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**PLEASE REVIEW!**


	6. Chapter 6

_Thanks a lot to my wonderful beta, saiyanwizardgurl, for correcting my story and improving it._

_Disclaimer: All recognizable characters belong to J.K. Rowling, and I am not earning anything by writing this story._

**

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Chapter 6 – Discussing the Spell**

_*~*_

James sighed and rummage in the night table for a robe. "No, I'm not a Legilimens, Severus." He turned back to Severus with a gray bathrobe in hand. "It seems this will take some time, so you should at least put this on. Is it okay for me to help you with it?"

"Yes, it is," Severus said sullenly. As James helped him quickly into the bathrobe, Severus added, "And you are allowed to help me over to the chair as well."

"Thank you very much for letting me help you," James said and brought the wizard over to his friends. He put some slippers on Severus' feet and tucked a blanket over the ill wizard. In a few minutes, they were all sitting comfortably and ready to talk.

*~*

"I'm glad you could join us, Severus. So you aren't disappointed in Alastor for losing control this afternoon?" James asked Severus.

Severus looked tiredly at Alastor. "No, _I_ disappointed him. He promised to stay with me, and I betrayed him by losing faith and trying to hurt myself. I'm sorry."

"Are you angry with Severus, Alastor?" James asked and received a glare from Alastor.

Reminding himself that he was here to help Severus and that the only positive way to do this was to work together with James, he said, "Of course I'm not."

"Then the frontiers are cleared," James said cheerfully. "Do you feel well enough to discuss your wish to take the Bonding Spell, or would you like to talk about something else?"

Severus straightened up. He was glad that he would finally have the chance to talk about it. Before he could answer, Albus piped up. "Maybe we should wait until tomorrow. Poppy wanted to be part of this conversation. She will have a great part in his treatment if he decides to take the spell."

Alastor was also glad that they could finally talk about the spell. He wanted Severus to bind himself to whomever he had in mind, so they could get him out of here. He knew that Poppy would agree. "I think Poppy should still be awake, and she made it very clear that she wanted Severus out of here as fast as possible."

Albus sigh in resignation.

"Maybe you should try to contact her. Meanwhile, I will get something to drink and some fruits for Severus," James said and stood up. Alastor followed him into the hall to call Poppy.

Severus noticed, slightly worried, that he was alone with Albus now. After a few minutes of silence, the headmaster felt he had to speak. "Are you sure about the spell, Severus? We could also take shifts and watch over what the Healers do here. You wouldn't have to bond yourself to one of us," Albus said seriously.

Severus sighed and lowered his head. "I would prefer to be bonded to one of you than to stay here, Albus. Why can't you understand? I – "

He was interrupted by Poppy, Alastor, and James entering the room again. "Already started without us?" Poppy asked as she went over to Severus. She pulled a chair next to him and started to tuck the blankets around the ill wizard.

James grinned at the Mediwitch and offered her the tray with fruits and juice for Severus. "Maybe you could help him eat and drink a little bit while we speak."

"I'm in the room," Severus groaned.

"I'm aware of that, Severus, but you are not able to eat on your own. I tried to get some of the potions from the oil out of your system as I scanned you, but I couldn't vanish them completely," James explained, sitting down again.

"That explains why I woke up. Normally, I'm knocked out until the next morning." Severus shifted around in his armchair to find a more comfortable position.

"Yes, you wouldn't have gotten much rest. Just because you cannot express nightmares while you are under the potion's influence doesn't mean you don't have them. Did you have nightmares all the nights you were here?" James asked, already using his monotone voice again.

Severus lowered his head, embarrassed. He did not want to talk about his nightmares and his fear of sleeping. "I thought we were talking about the spell," Severus mumbled, trying to distract the Healer from the topic.

"Severus, if you feel uncomfortable speaking about a topic I start, you can just tell me. You don't have to try to distract me or lie to me. Just tell me you don't want to talk about it. Sometimes I will try to convince you to talk about it because you cannot run away from your problems forever, Severus, but I will not force you to talk about something you don't feel ready for," James explained, determined, leaning over his knees.

"I don't want to talk about my...you know. I want to talk about the spell and get out of here as soon as possible. I already told Albus that I would prefer to be bonded to someone I can at least trust a little than stay here were those Healers can do whatever they want to me," Severus said and hoped that starting to go deeper into the topic would stop James from trying to talk about his nightmares. Just thinking about how it felt to be trapped inside your own body, unable to move while plagued by one of those awful nightmares, made him shiver.

"We will talk about the nightmares later, Severus. Please drink something and try to eat a little. That would help your body to assimilate the potion that is still in your system." James gestured to the tray in Poppy's hand.

Poppy pressed the glass of juice to Severus' lips, and he drank a few sips. After that, Poppy offered Severus a strawberry, and he opened his mouth freely. _Better to show them that I am willing to cooperate,_ Severus thought.

"That's my boy," Poppy said gently. She softly stroked Severus' hair and face while she balanced the tray on her lap.

Severus leaned into her touch. He did not know why, but the contact made him want to curl up in her lap and let her soothe him into sleep. He closed his eyes and almost purred. "Please get me out of here," Severus whispered, his voice drowsy.

"Would you prefer to sleep a little before we discuss this?" James asked, seeing Severus' positive reaction to Poppy's ministration.

Severus became aware of what he was doing, and he opened his eyes and jerked his head away. Not violently, but fast enough to get a clear head again. The moment he could not feel Poppy's hand on his head, he felt himself being violently pulled back into his constant nightmare here at St. Mungo's. He would not miss the chance to talk about the spell, no matter how good Poppy's ministrations felt. "No, I want to talk about the spell now."

"Okay," James said, understanding. "How much do you know about it, Severus?"

"Enough. I want it. When can we do it?" Severus asked eagerly.

"First, we want to make sure you know what you are getting yourself into. The spell means you will give full control to another person. Therefore, you should think very carefully about who you choose. This person could force you to do things you do not want to do. It will be similar to the treatment here if you do not work together with the person and he or she must force you to sleep and eat and accept medical and psychological treatment. Of course, it will work very well if you collaborate. It would even be possible for the person to never have to use the power of the spell. But there is always a possibility that the person will take advantage of the power."

That brought up protests from the older wizards in the room. Albus was gasping, utterly shocked, and Alastor had jumped up and was shouting at James. "How dare you accuse Albus and my wife of taking advantage of Severus? They would never do something like that. They are worried for him and want him to get better."

James remained relaxed in his armchair and Poppy took advantage of Severus open-mouthed gape to feed him another strawberry. Severus was distracted from the outburst. Alastor was normally very calm and reasonable, but this hospital seemed to stress him. "Alastor, calm down. James didn't accuse us to anything. He just made it clear to Severus that there is the possibility that the spell could be used against him." Poppy tried to calm her husband when she saw that Severus was distressed by his reaction. It seemed that Severus was hurt by what Alastor said. That confused Poppy, and she looked questioningly at James.

The deeper Alastor's words sank into Severus' awareness, the more he slumped in his armchair. "Everything okay, Severus? Has something Alastor said scared you?" James asked and noticed out of the corner of his eye that Alastor had sat down again.

"It's nothing," Severus said hopelessly. "Maybe I should go back to bed." He looked defeated, and it seemed he had lost his will to live again.

"No, Severus, I think we should discuss this now," James said and moved his armchair over to Severus to stop him from standing up and hiding in his bed. "Something Alastor said makes you want to retreat again. A few minutes ago, you wanted to convince us to put the spell on you as fast as possible, and now you want to hide in your bed. So you aren't interested in getting bond anymore?"

Severus looked down at his knees and did not answer the Healer. _What does it matter any more?_

"Severus, I am going to touch you. I will just take your hands," James explained and grabbed Severus' hands.

Severus did not pull away. Alastor's words had destroyed any hope he had had, and he did not even have the energy to fight James. He felt pain in his chest. The pain of rejection. Severus felt a warm tickle that tried to replace the pain, but the pain was stronger.

"Severus, why are you fighting me? What has troubled you so much? What did Alastor say?" James asked worriedly.

Severus only heard James voice muffled, but he had the feeling that James' words were sinuous with the magic flowing through his body, and so he understand each word. He wanted James to give up and let him hide under his bed covers, and so he said in a very small voice, "He doesn't want me."

James sighed, but he was glad that it was out. Alastor had heard Severus' words even though they were so soft. Realization hit him. "Merlin, Severus, you didn't want to bond to me, did you?" James stopped the flow of magic and made space for Alastor, who had stood up and come over.

Severus looked up. "I understand why you don't want to bother with me. I would just be a burden," Severus said sadly.

Poppy laid a calming hand on Severus' arm and sighed when he pulled it away. She looked dangerously at her husband, but Alastor was confused. He did not know what to say. "Severus, you wouldn't be a burden. I just never thought you wanted to be bonded to me. I thought you would have wanted Albus or Poppy." Alastor took Severus' chin and tilted his head up so that he was looking at him. Tears were running down Severus' face and Alastor felt guilty for causing them. "It was just a misunderstanding. I am honored that you would even think of choosing me as the person you want to be bonded to."

All the dams broke, and Severus launched himself forward into Alastor's arms. Both men sank to the floor, and Alastor comforted a sobbing Severus, no matter how uncomfortable the position was. "It's okay, Severus, I will get you out of here."

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_Now you finally know who Severus will choose. :) The next chapter is already written and again I couldn't hold my promise to let him leave then. It will give a little more background infos about why Severus tried to kill himself and about the battle the battle. I thought it would be best to add these infos before he leaves. I hope you aren't mad about it._

_**Please reveiw!**_


	7. Chapter 7

_Thanks a lot to my wonderful beta, saiyanwizardgurl, for correcting my story and improving it._

_Disclaimer: All recognizable characters belong to J.K. Rowling, and I am not earning anything by writing this story._

**_Dear readers,_**

_you all accepted Severus' choice without complaining, even those of you who thought it would be someone else. I'm surprised about this, but I'm glad that you did. You will learn more about Severus' reasons and about Alastor in this chapter. Yesterday I wrote the next chapter and I was overwhelmed by it. He will finally leave the hospital then. It is much longer than the other chapters. I can't wait to submit it, but my beta has to correct it first._

_Sunny_

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Chapter 7 – The Reason Why**

Severus was so exhausted that he started to fall asleep in Alastor's arms. When James finally carried him into bed, he was completely knocked out. Alastor's bones were hurting, and when he tried to stand up, he felt that he no longer had any control over his muscles. Poppy was at his side in an instant and tried to help him. James, who had seen the situation out of the corner of his eye, said, "Don't move him, Poppy. I'll be there in a second."

"I'm not your patient, James," Alastor grumbled sullenly and tried to stand up again.

"Behave yourself, Alastor," Poppy scolded him and smacked the back of his head.

Alastor glared at her, but did not dare to move. He knew his wife well, and the expression on her face made it clear that he better do what she told him to. _And my muscles wouldn't do what I tell them to anyway,_ Alastor thought, annoyed. Alastor hated Healers. Why he fell in love with Poppy was still a mystery to him. _This woman can really be annoying, and she never forgets that she is a Mediwitch. A Mediwitch through and through._ But he loved her more than everything in the world.

He was still musing about her when he felt James' hand on his shoulder. "I thought you always told someone when you were going to touch them?" Alastor spat while trying to jerk away, but his muscles still did not react well enough to have much effect. He could only groan in pain.

"Calm down, Alastor. You have been somewhere else with your thoughts. So far away that you didn't hear me when I told you that I am going to send relaxing and painkilling magic through you. Are you ready for me to start?" James asked calmly.

Poppy eyed the scene in front of her, interested. She wished she had James' calmness. _Alastor is really an awful patient, and he hates Healers. Maybe I should have warned James, but I never thought that the two would have much to do with one another. Now that Severus had chosen Alastor to bond to, the situation changes completely. Who would have thought he would choose Alastor? _For Poppy, it was completely clear – or so she thought – that he would choose Albus. Thinking back to the moment Severus revealed his choice, Poppy remembered that Albus had sunken back in his armchair with a sigh. It seemed he had been relieved about Severus' choice. _That was rather odd,_ Poppy thought. Her husband's grumpy voice brought her back to the current situation.

"Start with whatever is necessary to get me up, and then leave me alone. And let me tell you one thing, Healer, I don't want you to touch me all the time. We may have to work together because of Sev – " Alastor felt every muscles in his body relax. "Sneaky bastard," he mumbled.

"Alastor, sometimes you really are obnoxious," Poppy said, embarrassed.

"No, no, Poppy. Don't scold him for letting me know how he feels. I would prefer to know what he thinks about me and what I do. That's the only way we will be able to take care of Severus together. And that's what we both want to do, right, Alastor?" James asked the man, whose back he had pulled against his chest while talking to Poppy. His right hand was on Alastor's forehead and his left on Alastor's chest.

"Hmpf," was the only reply he got from the older wizard. The pain was gone and even as his mind screamed, _Fight and get out of his arms_, he could not stop himself from enjoying the warm and relaxing feeling. He had not felt so comfortable and pain-free in a long time.

"I know you can hear me, Alastor, and I also know that you are agog going to strangle me for holding you like this, but this is the best way to loosen your muscles. All I ask is that you try to see how you feel when I stop the flow of magic and then decide if being vulnerable was worth it. If you still want to snap my neck, I ask you to remember that Severus was willing to work with me. You will have to find another Healer after killing me," James explained, annoyingly calm.

"Shut up. Let me go," Alastor growled, feeling his spirits come back.

James stopped the magic, and Alastor stood up with Poppy's help as quickly as possible. James did not even have a chance to stand before Alastor had turned and was gesturing dangerously at him. "Do that one more time, boy, and I swear you will regret it." With every word, the voice became more of a growl and Alastor leaned further in. At the last word, he was almost nose to nose with the Healer. "I hope I've made myself clear." Not waiting for an answer, he turned and vanished into the bathroom.

Albus stood up and offered the Healer his hand to help him up. James took it gratefully. "He called you 'boy.' That is a good sign," Albus said emphatically.

"I can hear you in here, Headmaster. And James, you better not listen to that old codger because he doesn't know what he's talking about, brat," said Alastor through the bathroom door.

"Oh, and brat is even better. You are almost family now," Poppy said, patting James' shoulder.

"I heard that as well, woman," Alastor said, coming out of the bathroom.

"Merlin, Alastor, you will wake Severus. Can't you behave?" Poppy scolded.

"Why are you all still here? Go away. It's enough for one person to watch him. He waved his wand and one of the armchairs turned into a bed as the other four vanished. "Get the message?" Alastor asked, annoyed.

Poppy looked apologizing at James, but he had already put his professional and relaxed expression back on.

"Yes, I think it would be best if we leave now. I think Severus needs his rest, and Alastor needs some time to think about all this," Albus said and ushered the other two out of the room.

James was already in the doorframe when Alastor said, "Oh, and thanks for your help, James."

"It was my pleasure, Alastor. We will see you tomorrow," James replied with a smile on his face.

__________

The night remained uneventful from the moment the group left the room. Severus was sleeping peacefully and Alastor lay awake for a long time, pondering about why Severus had chosen him and how the things would change. He was not scared. To be honest, he felt rather proud that Severus trusted him so much. He thought back to the time when he had first met him, when Albus announced that he would be joining the Order. Severus had had a very hard start, and Alastor had often tried to provoke him to find out if he really was on their side.

Soon, Alastor had realized that Severus had made a big mistake by following his friend into the ranks of the Dark Lord and that he really regretted it. The first time he had seen him come back from one of the dreadful meetings with Voldemort, beaten and humiliated, his heart broke. From that day on, he had tried to coax Severus to give up his spy job, but Severus had always refused. He had wanted to punish himself for his bad choice and for the deaths he had caused. Being a spy had made him feel wanted, or at least needed. It had given him a reason to live, Alastor realized this now. _Why hadn't I seen it before?_ He scolded himself inwardly. _Now that Severus is no longer spying, he must feel useless, and that must be the reason he tried to kill himself. Stupid boy. You have done so much, sacrificed so much, and fought like hell in the final battle. You even jumped in front of Harry and got hit by a bad hex that the Healers needed a month to heal._

Severus still had problems with the after effects of this hex. He was a war hero, and nobody said anything different. Only Severus himself could not accept this. He could not find a way to live on. _ We were too occupied with celebrating and enjoying the time free of angst and fear that we didn't notice Severus' problems._ He had become withdrawn more and more and finally had brewed a potion to end it.

It was pure luck that Harry had run into the Room of Requirement as Severus had gulped half the vial. Nobody had an explanation for it; Harry said he had felt the room calling him. It was a miracle. Harry caught Severus as he fell and his fantastic seeker reflexes even made it possible to catch the vial as well. The Healer had been quick to analyze the potion and find an antidote. That Severus only drank half of the potion had given the Healers the time they needed, but it had still affected his muscles and stomach. And the fact that he still did not want to live was not helping him to heal.

At first, Severus had not reacted at all to them when they had visited him, but once he had cried in Poppy's arms, he started to speak with them again. _ First with Poppy and Albus, and then with me. So why the hell did he choose me? He decided to speak with Poppy and Albus first, and so I assumed he would choose one of them. _Alastor had stayed many days at Severus' bedside. He had coaxed him out of nightmares and helped him to the bathroom more than once. Severus always was a private man, but he was clinging to Alastor or Poppy or Albus when they were there so that he did not need the help of the Healers.

Alastor was not as mollycoddling as Poppy and Albus. He often tried to joke and was more relaxed than the other two. Severus never seemed to react to it, but that did not mean he had not noticed it. To be honest, it was the reason he had chosen Alastor. Severus could feel relaxed in Alastor's presence. He was more like an uncle and not like a father like Albus. He never felt judged by Alastor. He had the feeling he was just there to keep him company because he wanted it. Poppy was like a know-it-all mother and being a Mediwitch already gave her so much power over him that Severus did not dare to give her even more power through the Bonding Spell. Alastor was the perfect choice in his opinion.

Unaware of Severus' motives, Alastor fell asleep pondering why Severus had chosen him. Finally, he had decided that it did not matter. He would just make the best out of it.

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**_Please review!_**


	8. Chapter 8

_**Dear readers,**_

_Like I promised, this chapter is longer than any other chapter I have ever written.  
_

_Those of you who hate me for making Severus vulnerable will hate me even more after this chapter, but I haven't felt so soothed and relaxed as I felt after writing this chapter in a long time. It's a long chapter, but I didn't even realize it because I was drawn in this room with Severus and the others. It felt as if I really was there. I fear I'm getting high from writing. That's really crazy, but a cheaper and better way than using drugs. I hope there are people who like this chapter and enjoy reading it as much as I liked writing it. Please review!_

_Sunny_

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Chapter 8 – Coming Home**

Severus looked around nervously in Healer Pearce's office. He was sitting at a big table with two Ministry officials, an unknown Healer, James, Healer Pearce, Poppy, Albus, and Alastor.

"Are you listening, Professor Snape?" the unknown Healer asked worriedly.

Severus jerked his head and blushed a little being caught not paying attention. "Of course, Healer...." Severus hesitated, embarrassed, and averted his gaze from the middle-aged woman.

"It's Healer Meyer. Are you tired, Professor? Shall we cancel this meeting and meet another day?" She eyed him closely.

Severus was shocked. "No, please, I want to do it now. I was just a little distracted. I apologize. I will be more attentive. I promise." He looked with wide eyes at the Healer and almost started to panic at her skeptic and worried expression. James' hand, which had been placed on Severus' forearm when he sensed his panic, calmed him down.

"It's important that you listen to me, Professor. You are planning to let us place a spell on you that will change your life completely. I have to be absolutely sure that you do it out of free will and that you know what you are getting into."

"I know the spell. James has told me about it. I want it. Please do it," Severus said, agitated.

James sent a warm flow of magic through his arm. "Severus, let Healer Meyer tell you more about the spell, okay. Listen to her, and we will come closer to casting the spell. Promising something to her or begging won't get you to what you want."

Severus sighed. James was right, but the fear that they would leave without casting the spell and leave him here was overwhelming. "I'm just scared," he whispered.

Normally, only James would have heard him, but Healer Meyer had a Hearing-Enhancement Spell placed on her, and so she could even hear the smallest whisper from her patient. It was a very helpful spell because many patients mumbled important information so that the Healers could not hear and refuse to repeat it. "What are you scared of, Professor?"

Severus jerked his head in surprise and looked shocked at Healer Meyer. He did not know what he should tell her, and so he just looked at her, opening and closing his mouth without saying anything.

Healer Meyer stayed calm and friendly. "Are you scared of the spell?"

Severus frantically shook his head, but he was still unable to speak.

"What then, Professor? Please tell me. I have to sign at the bottom of this parchment – " she pointed at the spell contract parchment on the table " – and I will only do so when I am sure that this is the best thing for you."

You have to say something, Severus, or she will leave you here, Severus thought frantically. He groaned and hid his face in his hands. James' hand was shoved off Severus' forearm, and Severus noticed that it immediately settled on his shoulder. "I'm scared that you will decide against it and leave me here. I don't want to stay here," Severus mumbled in his hands.

The Ministry officials were the only persons in the room that leaned forward to try to understand what Severus had said. Healer Meyer was still sitting calmly in her seat and made notes from time to time on her clipboard. "What would be so bad about staying here, Professor?"

Severus looked up in despair. Oh, Merlin, she is really thinking about making me stay. "I want to go home. I do not feel safe here. I do not want them to touch me."

Again, Healer Meyer made some quick notes and then asked, "So Hogwarts is your home?"

Severus nodded his head and looked unsure at his three friends. Alastor had a murderous look, but it was aimed at the Ministry officials and the Healers. Poppy and Albus smiled encouragingly at Severus. That made him calm down a little more.

"You said you don't feel safe here and that you don't want to be touched. I read your file, and even if I sign this parchment, you will have to let people touch you. The potion you took to kill yourself has caused severe muscle and nerve damage. It is necessary that you receive massages, and Healer Smith has to touch you when he scans you and sends you healing magic." Her eyes fell to James' hand on Severus' shoulder. She made another note and then went on. "I also read in your file that you suffer from nightmares and sleeping problems. This could even make it necessary for you to sleep in the presence of someone else. Your stomach is damaged from the potion as well, and so your eating habits will be observed closely as well as your alimentary system. You may not even be allowed to go to the toilet on your own, Professor. Are you aware of this?"

Severus hid his face behind his hair. "Yes, I am," he replied miserably. He hated to give up all of his privacy, but it was much better than staying here. And James said that if I cooperate it may not even be necessary to do any of those things by force.

Healer Meyer silently looked for a moment at Severus and then at James. It is obvious that he would like to tell the professor to change his attitude, but does not dare to intervene. Normally, it isn't allowed to use magic healing on the patient during the hearing, but it is only a small amount of calming magic, and it doesn't interfere with my interview. For having known the patient only a short time, he can read him very well and the professor seems to trust him, Healer Meyer mused. "Now that we have spoken about the physical treatment, we must talk about the psychological treatment. You have to undergo therapy frequently. Healer Smith would take care of this. Are you aware of that?"

"Yes," Severus answered, not looking up.

"The spell means you give up all your rights to decide for yourself. It means that Professor Moody will be able to decide when you eat, sleep, go to the toilet, wash yourself, read, work, meet other people and more. He has every right to persist on being present at these activities, and, if necessary, he can force you or restrain you if you try to run away or kill yourself again."

That made Severus look up. "I will not run away. I'm not a baby." He tried to glare at her, but it seemed the muscle damage has also made it impossible to glare. At least the Healer showed no reaction to it. She just added another note to her clipboard.

"This has nothing to do with being a baby. You will be under a lot of stress. Even if it is a person you trust completely, it doesn't make it less stressful to give all the decision power to another person. It's a normal feeling to want to run away from time to time. Also, you didn't dismiss my assumption of the possibility that you would try to kill yourself again, Professor. Why is that so?"

Severus drew in a sharp breath. Damn, what can I say? He frantically thought about a good reply to the question. A reply that would make her sign the parchment.

Feeling Severus' panic, James said, "Tell her the truth, Severus."

"What?" Severus looked shocked at James and shook the hand from his shoulder. "Are you crazy?" he whispered.

"You don't have to whisper, Professor Snape, I can hear every word. So why don't you follow the advice of your Healer and tell me if you plan to try to kill yourself again." She looked friendly, but determined at him.

Severus looked unsure at Albus and Poppy, but did not dare to look at Alastor. The noise of Healer Meyer's quill scratching over her clipboard to note something down made him look at her again. "I don't know." Fantastic, now she will never let me out here. He turned to James and glared at him.

"You don't have to be angry with your Healer. Without his intervention, this conversation would be over, and I wouldn't think about signing this parchment," Healer Meyer said. "And now I want you to tell Professor Moody what you just told me."

Severus jaw dropped open. "What?!"

"I want that you tell him that you are not sure if you can live on without trying to kill yourself again," Healer Meyer explained calmly.

"But he has already heard. I don't understand what you want from me," Severus said, confused. He was already starting to become scared. James placed his hand on Severus' shoulder and was satisfied that it was not shrugged away.

"Just look at Alastor and tell him what Healer Meyer said," James instructed.

Severus sighed and unwillingly looked up into Alastor's eyes. A few times he started, but no sound came out. Only when James started using healing magic again was he able to tell Alastor what the Healer wanted him to. He blushed deeply in embarrassment, and it was very hard for him to hold eye contact. When he was finished, he quickly hid behind his hair again.

"I already know, Severus. You don't have to be embarrassed. It's important that you tell me the truth," Alastor said, looking worriedly at Severus.

"Oh, yes, the truth. Another important thing about the spell is that Professor Moody will be able to tell if you are lying to him, and he will also be able to force you to tell the truth. It is almost like Legilimency only you will speak aloud and he will not be reading your mind. This is a new enhancement to the old bonding spell. So you will still have your thoughts private. Professor Moody will only feel when you are lying. Are you willing to give this power to Professor Moody?"

"Yes, I am," Severus said and looked up again. That damn clipboard must be full already, he thought when he saw her write again.

Healer Meyer looked up and eyed Severus for some time. "You'll give up a lot, Professor. The Healers here do not have as much power over you as Professor Moody will have if I sign this parchment. He would have the chance to use the opportunities of the spell against you." All eyes were immediately on Alastor waiting for an explosion, but it did not come. Alastor was just looking at Severus.

"He will not," Severus said, determined. That brought a smile to Albus', Poppy's, and James' face. Poppy even let out a loud sigh and patted Alastor's leg.

Healer Meyer nodded thoughtfully. "Healer Smith will check on you at least twice a day in the beginning, and I will check on you once a week. I'm aware that Healer Smith will let Madam Pomfrey help him with your treatment. That's up to them, and I will not intervene in it as long as I don't see any danger or drawback for you. Once I sign this parchment, you cannot undo it. The spell can only be lifted by me when I think you are ready to live on your own again or on my or Professor Moody's behalf if we think that the spell isn't helping you to heal and we see the need to place you back in the hospital again. If something happens to me and I won't be available to lift the spell, another high Healer of my department will do it. It is most likely that you will fight us at one point and you will demand that the spell will be lifted again, but it won't be your choice. Only when Professor Moody and myself are sure that it is better to lift it, the spell will it be lifted. Are you aware of this?"

James let go of Severus' shoulder. He has to make this decision alone.

Severus breathed deeply. "Yes."

"I have already spoken with Professor Moody about his rights and duties, and he has agreed. The only signature that is missing on this parchment is mine. If I sign it, the spell will be cast even if you should change your mind. So I ask you one last time: Do you want this spell to be cast on you, Professor Snape?"

Severus gulped and looked at Alastor. Merlin, I was never this scared in front of Voldemort. It is difficult to give up all my rights and the possibility of choosing and deciding on my own. This will be the last decision I make for many months, maybe even years. A shiver ran down his spine. But I trust Alastor. He will not force me to do anything if it is not absolutely necessary. And I plan to cooperate. I just want to be away from here. Alastor will take care of me. I know he will. He took another deep breath. "Yes, I want it."

Healer Meyer grabbed the parchment, took one last glance at him, and then signed the spell contract. "Please come over here, Professor Snape. I would like to cast a diagnostic spell to compare your condition before and after the spell."

Severus stood up uncertainly and fearfully. He could not understand why he felt fear. Healer Meyer had been very kind so far, but now that it came to an examination, he would prefer to run and hide. He reluctantly moved his chair away and looked over to Healer Meyer, who had moved to two armchairs a little further into the room.

Seeing his reluctance, she said, "You can bring Healer Smith with you if you want."

Severus looked pleadingly at James. It would be so much easier if he had him at his side. Severus did not know why, but James could make him feel safe with just his presence. Maybe it was because James knew what the Healer wanted from him, so Severus did not feel so insecure around the new Healer. James had already stood up when Severus was still deep in thought. "Come on, Severus. It will be over soon and you can rest."

Yes, he was very tired and would love to sleep. His muscles hurt a lot from sitting. James guided him by his arm over to Healer Meyer. "His last massage was more than five hours ago," he said to her.

"It's almost over, Professor Snape. Please just sit down," Healer Meyer said while nodding understandingly.

James pushed Severus softly into the armchair. "Try to relax." With that, he made room for Healer Meyer. It was hard to let another Healer touch his patient, but he knew it was necessary.

"I will place my hands on your chest and your forehead now, Professor. Just try to relax and breathe calmly." She scanned him thoroughly. When she was finished, she looked him deeply in his eyes until he averted his gaze. "You should have told us."

"I want it to be placed today," Severus said softly.

James nervously shifted from one foot to the other, fighting the urge to go over to Severus and scan him himself.

Healer Meyer could understand James' distress. "He's in a lot of pain. I will cast the spell as quickly as possible so that you can ease the pain and let him rest properly. I think it is the best way, but if you insist that you want to treat him first and let him rest, then I will make a new appointment for the spell.

"No," argued Severus, and he tried to stand up.

Healer Meyer was still standing in front of him and so was able to stop him. "Calm down, Professor. It's your Healer's decision."

Severus did not dare to push against the hand on his chest and so turned to James and pleaded. "I want to go home. Please, not another night here. I can take it."

Fifteen years of experience as a Healer and he could not remember a decision that was harder for him. The spell would drain a lot of Severus' energy, and nobody knew how he would mentally react to the new feeling. He could be overwhelmed by it and might panic. The bond can be felt physically, and he would need some time to accept it. Normally, he would not risk the chance of a panic attack and further weakening his patient. James knew that Severus would willingly take all the pain and suffering just to leave the hospital. He was torn and looked to Healer Meyer for help. She had at least fifteen years more experience than he had. "Is it safe to cast it in his condition?"

"He will survive. He will be very weak for the next days, but the spell would have done that anyway, but we don't know how he will react. A panic attack is very likely."

Alastor had come over and James accosted him. "We must be sure that you won't stop us from treating him if he starts to panic, even if he fights us, Alastor. Do we have your word?"

"Of course. Do what is necessary, James. I just want him out of here," Alastor said, looking worriedly at Severus.

"Oh, Merlin, thank you." The pressure was too much for Severus. He felt so relieved by Alastor's words that he started to cry. The hand on his chest prevented him from curling up.

"You have to stay calm. We cannot cast the spell otherwise. Do you understand? I will cast it, I promised, but you have to calm down. I will help you, so don't fight me, okay?" Healer Meyers said calmingly.

Severus nodded as he tried to fight the sobs down. He had not even ended the nod when he felt the warm flow of calming magic. It was different from James'. It felt as if a thick liquid was plugging his ears and separated him from the rest of the world. He could only hear his own breathing and his blood flowing through his veins. His eyes shut, and he relaxed completely. After a while – he did not know how much time had passed because he had lost track of time the moment the flow started – he could hear Healer Meyer. "That's right, Professor, relax. Listen to your breathing and concentrate. In...and out...in...and out...."

He was in his own world now, captured in his body, but it felt wonderful and safe. Slowly, he came back to reality when the flow of calming magic decreased. He opened his eyes and looked at the friendly Healer Meyer. "Better?" she asked.

"Hmmm," Severus said drowsily. "That was amazing."

She smiled a little at her sleepy patient. "I will cast the spell now, Professor." She lifted her hand from Severus' chest and turned to Alastor. "Are you ready?"

"Yes, I am," he said confidently. He sat down in the other chair and tried to relax like she had explained to him during his interview.

Healer Meyer stood between both armchairs and placed her hands on the chests of the two professors. She muttered Latin words that made no sense to either of them. After a while, Alastor could feel a push at his chest that went through his whole body. It was as if something has entered him. He could see Severus struggle a little and it was as if he could feel his panic. He was sure that even if he closed his eyes he could see Severus thrash in his armchair. He was not worried what happened in his body; he was only worried about Severus. He wanted to yell at the Healer to stop, but he was not able to speak.

Severus felt a pull at his chest. It was as if something left his body. One part of it was still in him, but the other end was pulled out. He started to panic, but the hand on his chest pressed him into the armchair, and he did not have enough energy to fight it. Tears were running down his cheeks. He wanted someone to help him. He wanted Alastor to make the Healers go away. He tried to cry for help, but he was not able to speak.

"Bondus protectus totalus," said Healer Meyer as she finished the spell and immediately reached for the panicking Severus. She sent the same magic into him as she did before the spell, and he relaxed. Not as quickly as the first time, but he did. James was beside the armchair, clawing at the armrest. When Severus was relaxed enough, Healer Meyer said, "You can take over now, Healer Smith." Quickly, they changed positions. After making sure that Severus was reacting well to James' treatment, she made her way over to Alastor. Healer Pearce was at his side and had a hand on his chest and wrist. "How are you feeling, Professor?"

Alastor tried to breathe calmly. He did not even try to fight the Healers. "That was terrifying," he said miserably.

Healer Meyer laid a hand on his forehead and scanned him. "The spell was cast perfectly. You two were made for another, Professor. He really trusts you, and you really want to help him. You would put your own needs back to help Professor Snape, and Professor Snape is really looking for help. It's now in your hands to watch over him and care for him. I'm sure you will do your job very well." It was not necessary to use any magic flow on him. Her words were enough to calm him down. Healer Pearce had retreated, and Healer Meyer motioned Poppy over. "Come, Madam Pomfrey. You may take care of your husband."

_____________________

As the small group was on there way back to Hogwarts, Severus was floating on a stretcher in front of them, fast asleep. Soon, they entered Alastor's and Poppy's quarters. It had been a long day for all of them, and they were looking forward to a good night's sleep. James took the guest room, and Severus was placed in the double bed between Poppy and Alastor. "Welcome home," Alastor whispered into Severus' ear as Poppy brushed a loose wisp of hair out of Severus' face.

"Yes, welcome home, Severus," Poppy said softly and placed a kiss on Severus' forehead

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_It also could be a good end, but I think I will go on. What do you think?_

**_PLEASE REVIEW!_**


	9. Chapter 9

_Thanks a lot to my wonderful beta,** saiyanwizardgurl**, for correcting my story and improving it._

_Disclaimer: All recognizable characters belong to J.K. Rowling, and I am not earning anything by writing this story._

**

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Chapter 9 – James vs. Alastor, Round One**

Severus did not wake before lunch. This gave James a lot of time to speak with Alastor, who was very confused about his new feelings. James assured him that it was perfectly normal, that his nerves were over-stimulated due to the spell, and so it was normal that Alastor felt overwhelmed. The bond between Alastor and Severus was something that needed time to get used to. It was unsettling to not only feel your own feelings and needs, but also those of another person. James told Alastor that he would learn to control this. Later, he would only sense Severus' feelings or needs when he wanted to.

After the talk with James, Alastor felt much better and more relaxed. He had not cried in years, but he had been overwhelmed by his feelings this morning, and Poppy had needed to calm him. This time he had been very grateful to have a Mediwitch as his wife, so he did not have to let James to see him in such a state. But that did not stop his bossy wife from telling the Healer, which led to this long conversation. Now, Alastor was thankful for it.

"Severus will be very overwhelmed as well, Alastor. We should be prepared for this. I will surely need your help, and you can only help me if you don't get knocked out by Severus' feelings. You have to learn to block them and only let them affect you when it is needed. I would like to calm your nerves with healing magic and then show you a few relaxation exercises later. What do you think?"

"I think you are way too young for this position, boy. What the hell makes you predestined for this kind of work?" Alastor had said grumpily.

He had felt the urge to push James away when he wanted to touch him. He could not stop himself from becoming defensive whenever the Healer claimed power over him. He was hardly older than Severus. Maybe thirty five years or so. Relaxing while he manipulated his body was not something easy for Alastor to accept.

James laughed. "I was wondering when you were going to say something about my age. It must have been nagging at you for hours. I know it feels much easier to let someone like Healer Meyer handle a situation like this. That's the reason she is monitoring the bonding and my treatment of Severus. As for why I am 'predestined' for this job, I would say because Severus trusts me to do it. It's just you who I still have to convince, right?"

The question was met with silence. "You can be sure that whatever I do, I will always have great respect for you, Alastor. I know that I am working together with a very powerful wizard who has much more life experience than I have, but I've learned my profession well and I love it. I know more about psychology and health than you do, even though you are much more experienced in all other things. You have to trust me in this case to do the right things, Alastor. I want to take care of Severus and you to make this bond work so that Severus will heal as best as possible. And I do mean as best as possible, not as soon as possible. Some things need time to heal and some patients need time to adjust." Seeing Alastor knitting his eyebrows together, he added, "Don't be offended by me calling you my patient, Alastor. It has nothing to do with weakness. You need help in order to handle this, and I want to help you. Seeing that you can accept my help will show Severus that he can accept my help, too."

"Nice speech, James, but you always forget that I have had a Mediwitch at my side longer than you have been a Healer. I understand your last sentence exactly as you mean it. You're trying to trick me James, and it won't work. I believe that you care for Severus and that you are eager to help him. I see the passion for your work in your eyes, but I can also see that you can be overenthusiastic, especially when it comes to me. I agree to all you said before, but rest assured that I will not be tricked or manipulated." Alastor looked challenging at James.

"You see traps where there are none. I am not trying to trick you, but I will do my best to avoid sentences that could have double meanings. I'm a Healer, and I'm proud of it. I see a lot of pain when I look at you. I don't even have to scan you. I know that that makes you feel uncomfortable, especially because I'm so young, but never ask me to lie about something I see or feel. I would love to help you with your limp, even though you fear and hate Healers like me."

Alastor had never heard James use such a tone before. He sounded serious and almost sad. James was looking straight in his eyes, and he could see the truth in them. "You are not like any Healer I know, but I am still trying to figure out if that is something good or something to worry about. If I want your help with my personal problems, then I will let you know. For now, I just want you to do what is necessary to help Severus."

James nodded. "I understand. You know that I will be happy to help whenever you change your mind."

"Yes, I know, and please refrain from rubbing it under my nose whenever you think the situation is suitable," Alastor said, grumpily. James grinned. "And stop smiling. It makes you look even younger than you are." Alastor stood up and turned to go over to the window. "This is annoying," he muttered. "Why the hell did I have to get stuck with a child as a Healer?"

"I'm thirty-six. I'm hardly a child. I have a lot of experience. I've done field work in – "

"Oh, spare me," Alastor said quickly to interrupt James and came over to him again. "You may have healed a million people and invented what others would call mind-blowing, but that would not change the fact that you are still a child to me. I have seen much in my life, James. I'm a paranoid old man, and I need a lot of harmony and calm around me to feel safe and happy. You are an eager brat, jumping into any challenge you can get. You think you are as safe as a house and you can help anyone if you just try hard enough, but sometimes, James, people are far too lost and broken to be healed."

James was sitting calmly in his armchair. He thought it was funny that Alastor had called him a child. That was a first. Mostly he heard that he was way too calm and relaxed for a Healer his age. It was hard to understand Alastor's way of thinking. It was a challenge. And the older wizard was right: he liked challenges. But it was not about winning; it was about finding the best way to handle the situation. Winning was something everyone interpreted differently.

"When you say that sometimes people are far too lost and broken to be healed, are you talking about Severus or yourself?"

With a movement so quick that James did not know Alastor was capable of, he was right in front of him. His hands forcefully slammed down onto the armrests, and he leaned in. He face was only inches away from James' when he dangerously said, "You are playing again, James. I'm not your patient. You cannot rescue me." He stared direct in James' eyes. "Spend your energy on Severus. You will need all of it."

James still looked very relaxed, which was not Alastor's desired result. James drew up his eyebrows and said, "As you mentioned, I am very eager and have a lot of energy. Quite enough for both of you."

Alastor's face darkened. If Severus had been in James' chair, he would have wet himself by now. James, in contrast, sat very calmly and waited for the next outburst. Alastor was furious. _Why doesn't he react like I want him to? Why isn't he frightened?_ "James." That was all he was capable of articulating at the moment, and even that came out sounding like a growl.

"I'm not a child, Alastor, and I'm Healer enough to see when a patient tries to bite me away. You are scared to let me near you because you fear that I won't be able to handle you and that I would hurt you. That won't happen, Alastor. I'm young, yes, but you don't have to fear me. I will respect your wish to leave you personal problems aside until you approach me to let me help you. I don't like it, but I accept it. I respect your wishes, Alastor, but I will not stop saying what I think has to be said, and I will not change the way I speak. It's what makes me James."

Alastor had lost this battle. He knew it, but at least there was an offer for a truce. Maybe this greenhorn was really capable. _It seems he won't show the white flag whenever it becomes difficult._ "Fine, then do it."

"Do what?" James was confused.

"Like I said, young, eager, and not able to pay attention. Calm my nerves, of course. So that I will be able to help Severus when he wakes up."

Alastor shook his head, annoyed as he sat down. The boy had gained a lot of respect from him through this conversation, but he was not going to tell him that. _ It wouldn't be good to give him the satisfaction of knowing that he's gotten to me a little._ _ There's a great risk that he would become even cheekier if he were to find out. _Alastor had never seen a Healer like this, and it scared him that he could respect and even like him so easily. _Alastor Moody scared by a cheeky brat who thinks he is the Wonder Healer Number One. What the hell have you gotten me into, Severus?_

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_You can find a link to a drawing of Healer James on my profil page. I would still be very grateful if someone else would draw something for this story or my other stoties! Please let me know if you are willing to do it._

_Every single review means a lot to me, so** PLEASE REVIEW!!**_


	10. Chapter 10

_Thanks a lot to my wonderful beta, saiyanwizardgurl, for correcting my story and improving it._

_Disclaimer: All recognizable characters belong to J.K. Rowling, and I am not earning anything by writing this story._

**_Dear readers,_**

_as you have already realized, the updates need some more time now. I hardly feel able to write. My real life takes over. Too much stress, too tired to write. And then I start to get unhappy with the chapters I manage to write. I don't know why this is, and so I also don't know how to change it. In 5 days I have a 1 week holiday, and when my mood doesn't change then I fear I have to give up at least on story. I will not abandon it. I will just write an earlier end than I planned. I will end the story with the fewest reviews because I thinks that is the most unpopular. It's a hard battle between "The Final Breeze" and "Bonding". I can't decide at the moment, and I really hope that my muse will come back during my free days. Please be patient. I hope you like the chapter, even so I think it isn't a good one. Wish me luck that will be able to write better soon.  
_

_Sunny_

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Chapter 10 – A New Day, a New Life**

When Severus woke up, he immediately felt the panic rise up again. The feeling that someone else was in his body – that he was not alone – was nowhere near as overwhelming as it had been in the hospital, but it was still very frightening. He was relieved when he immediately felt James' hand on his chest. The warm healing magic that flowed through his chest felt so good that Severus started to moan in relief. The fear he had felt seconds before vanished.

"How are you feeling, Severus?" James asked calmly.

"Don't know," Severus mumbled and carefully opened his eyes. The first thing he saw was the white ceiling of the bedroom, and he started to panic again because he thought he was still at St. Mungo's.

"Severus, listen to me," James instructed and increased the flow of magic a bit. Severus turned his head in the direction the voice came from, and as he did, his eyes fell on a big old painting of a deer in a forest. "What in Merlin's name is that?" He realized that he was not in the hospital. They would never hang up such an ugly painting. People would get depressed just by looking at it.

"Already starting to criticize our decor, Severus? Poppy quite likes this painting," Alastor said and sat down on the other side of the bed.

"Alastor," Severus said and turned his face to him. The moment his eyes fell on Alastor, he felt a tug on his soul. He could not describe it better. It was as if his soul was trying to get closer to the older wizard, as if it knew it was safe there and best to be near him. Severus' mind, however, fought against it. Severus still did not want to be vulnerable. Throwing himself at Alastor and crying in his arms was something he had thought was pure weakness, and so he fought with all his power against the feeling.

"Don't fight it, Severus," James said in calm voice. Severus closed his eyes in the hope that the tugging would stop then, but it did not. He could feel Alastor near him, and he wanted to crawl into his strong arms. The fight against himself made him dizzy and sick.

He could hear James address Alastor. "Touch him, Alastor. Just make any kind of body contact."

Severus moaned when he felt Alastor's hand on his forehead. _Oh, Merlin, he must think I am a pervert. But it feels so good, so safe. I have the feeling nothing can happen to me and nobody can hurt me as long as his hand does not draw back._

"Shh, Severus, it's okay. Just let Alastor take care of you," James said and slowly decreased the healing magic until he drew back his hand completely.

"How are you feeling, Severus?" Alastor asked.

"It is confusing. Will it always be like this? I do not think I can stand it." Tears were running down his cheeks, but he did not panic or feel overly bad. Normally, Severus was not a man who cried easily, but his nerves were on edge, and so he was overwhelmed by the smallest feeling.

"No, it will only be like this for the first few days. It depends on how fast you recover from the spell. You will sleep a lot. James will give you more calming magic when you go to sleep again in a few minutes," Alastor explained calmly, stroking Severus hair.

"Minutes? I just woke up," Severus started to protest.

He was stopped by James' firm voice. "You need to rest, Severus. You were in poor condition when the spell was placed, and so you will recover slowly. Healer Meyer will come by around midday and will check on you. I hope I can calm your nerves a little until then. It is best to do it while you are totally relaxed," James told Severus in a calm but determined voice.

"Okay," Severus gave in. He felt very exhausted and sleeping did not seem so bad at the moment. There also was the chance that the urge to be near Alastor would not be as bad when he woke up next time. Soon, he was asleep while James sent a steady stream of healing magic into him.

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Severus felt the tickling of a diagnostic spell and slowly struggled to become fully awake. When he opened his eyes, he could see the friendly face of Healer Meyer. "Nice to see you again, Professor Snape." Again, he felt the tug in his chest and groaned, frustrated. He clawed at his chest to make the feeling go away, but the Healer intervened. She grabbed Severus' hands and forced them to his sides. "No, Professor, you will have to accept it. It will only vanish when you start to accept it and try to live with it. Your nerves have already been well calmed by your Healer. Now it is your task to get used to it." Her voice was calm and determined.

Severus continued to struggle. He had the feeling he could not withstand it. The tugging in his chest was breathtaking. "I can't." His voice was hoarse and broken. Tears were running over his face. "Please stop it." He wished she would use her magic to calm him.

"No, Professor, you can take it. You are a strong man, and the bond hasn't changed that. You have to fight to get your own power back. You can have a normal life almost all the time if you cooperate. The feeling you have will only come when Professor Moody needs to use the bond to help you. You can control it as long as he is not using it. Right now he isn't, and so you must start to feel your body and soul as one unit again. Tell me who you are." She spoke to Severus as if he was lying calmly in bed before her and was not struggling frantically to get his hand out of her grip.

"Please, I cannot. It is unbearable." He tossed his head from one side to the other.

"You can take it. You are strong enough." She stayed calm and spoke in a monotone voice. "Tell me who you are."

"Severus. Severus Snape." He would do anything so that she would release him, and he could claw the feeling out of his chest.

"Tell me more about yourself," she demanded.

Severus looked directly at her. "Please stop. I cannot manage this alone. I am not as strong as you think. Look at me, I am a weak invalid. The potion has made me a cripple. I have to let people touch me all the time. I had to give up all my power. I am not allowed to decide for myself, and you think that I am strong enough to handle this feeling?" He started to get angry with the Healer. _How can she say I am strong? I am a mental patient and definitely not strong._

Healer Meyer smiled knowingly as she noticed that he had stopped struggling. "What feeling, Professor Snape?"

It was at that moment that Severus realized that the tugging had stopped. He looked – first shocked and then questioningly – at the Healer. "Welcome back to the real world, Professor Snape." She released his hands and placed her right hand on Severus' chest. She did not send any healing magic but let it rest on his chest for some comfort. "So how do you feel?"

"Better," Severus said honestly. _Is there anything this woman cannot do?_ "It will not come back?" he asked fearfully.

"I can't promise that, but you can fight it as long as it isn't from Professor Moody. However, if he tells you to do something, you must do it." She looked sternly at him. When she thought the message had sunk in, she said, "If you are overwhelmed by the feeling when Professor Moody isn't using the bond, you should try to remember that you still have your thoughts and memories to yourself. Nobody can read your mind through this bond. That's the improvement to the old-fashioned bonding spell. And it is a good anchor when you fear you are losing contact with yourself. Normally, this only happens in the first days. Later, this won't be a problem. If you have more trouble with it, you can call anytime."

She handed him a chain with a pendant that showed an eye. "Put it around your neck. Nobody except you can remove it. Every time you need my help, remove it. Even in a time of great stress or panic, you will be able to tear it from your neck. Don't worry; it will repair itself every time. Remember, it is unimportant what time it is. I will be there for you. If you need someone to speak to or feel you need help of any kind, just call me by removing it from your neck. If Professor Moody is abusing his power over you or you feel Healer Smith is doing something that isn't best for you, call me. Better too early than too late. No holding back, okay?"

Severus stared at the necklace and nodded. He trusted Alastor but having this made him feel safer. This Healer was really good, and he felt he could trust her. "Put it on, Professor," Healer Meyer instructed.

Severus did as he was told and then placed the pendant under his pajama top. "Thank you."

"My pleasure, Professor. I will come to check on you in five days if you don't call me before then. Cooperate with your Healer and Professor Moody. That's the way to heal." She looked thoughtfully at him. "It will work when you are willing to get help. There is so much to live for, Professor."

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_Meanwhile in the living room…_

"Breathe calmly, Alastor. It's over," James told Alastor in a monotone voice.

Alastor breathed deeply in and out. "Damn, I'm too old for this," he mumbled. _Maybe it was a mistake to accept this._

James continued to send calming magic into Alastor. He had been doing so while Alastor fought against him to go into the bedroom to Severus. The panic Alastor felt from Severus was overwhelming, and the bond urged him to go to Severus to calm him. James could not let this happen because Severus needed to get a grip on his soul before the bond could work properly. Otherwise, Severus really would have been a slave.

When James felt the tension leave Alastor's body, he knew that Healer Meyers was successful. Alastor was not a young man, and he had many old war wounds. His heart was beating frantically and James had to calm him. "You are perfect for this task Alastor, and the worst part is over now. From now on, you two can live without being overwhelmed by the other's feelings and needs unless you invoke the bond. The first days will be a little tricky, but then you two can live an almost normal life. Severus is strong, Alastor, and with your help, he will survive."

Alastor breathed deeply, but calmly. His heart was no longer racing like it had a few minutes before. He batted James' hand away. "Enough touching, brat."

James chuckled. "Always spoiling my fun."

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**Please Review!**


	11. Chapter 11

_Thanks a lot to my wonderful beta, saiyanwizardgurl, for correcting my story and improving it._

_Disclaimer: All recognizable characters belong to J.K. Rowling, and I am not earning anything by writing this story._

**_Dear readers,_**

_first, I want to thank Amandine for drawing a wonderful touching drawing of a scene in this story. I hope I can gove you a link to it in the next chapter! Thank you very much. It was a fanatastic Easter gift. The next fantastic Easter gift was that my favorite author Raven Dancer submitted a new story. If you don't now Raven Dancer (if that is even possible) you should definitely check Raven Dancer's stories now! They are all AMAZING! My Healer James Smith is very much inspired by Raven Dancer's Healer James Barnes! Now where Raven Dancer is back I feel a little stupid about giving them both the same first name. I hope Raven Dancer still don't mind.  
_

_Sunny_

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Chapter 11 – First Test of the Bond**

Severus lay awake in Alastor and Poppy's bed. Staring at the ceiling, he thought about his current situation. First of all, he was relieved to be out of St. Mungo's. Remembering the experience still made the hair on his neck stand up. All the unfamiliar people touching him and patronizing him. Some where even younger than him. He had never liked to be touched. His parents had never shown any kindness towards him. Instead, his father had beaten him, so he had learned that touch was not something good. With time, he had learned to accept touches from Albus, Alastor, and Poppy. He had flinched away at first whenever they tried to lay a calming hand on him or pat his head, but with time, he not only accepted them but learned to love them. Not that he would ever confess this to any of them, but he did; he truly liked it.

He was surprised that he did not mind James' touches. The Healer was not much older than himself, maybe four or five years. Severus was thirty-three. _So why is it so easy to accept his help?_ Severus wondered. _Maybe because he was the one who got me out of there so quickly. He is different from the other Healers. He always asks before he touches me and always tells me what he will do. And he is much more relaxed than the other Healers. Not a bit bossy at all. Even the junior Healers at St. Mungo's were bossy and often annoyed by my resistance. But James was not. Well, we will see if that continues. _

Remembering the last days before he had tried to commit suicide made him frown. Everyone had been celebrating the fall of the Dark Lord. The Dark Mark on his forearm had vanished, and he should have been relieved and happy, but he had felt useless and alone. While he was a spy, he could at least tell himself that he was worth something. Albus' offers for tea, Alastor's poker games, and Poppy's motherly behavior towards him when he was ill or hurt. He accepted it all because he had something to give them in return: he risked his life for them. When it all was over, what did he still have to live for? They had not changed their behavior towards him. No, quite the contrary. He was hardly ever alone. After long weeks at St. Mungo's where he almost never left without company at his bedside, he was released to Poppy's care. He was returned to the hospital wing, and he had left after two more weeks. At that point, he was already desperate to end his life. He did not deserve their company, but they did not seem to realize it. No matter how often he told them to leave him alone, they never listened. He thanked Merlin for the celebration parties because they had started to become occupied with other things again. That had given him time to brew the potion, which should have ended his miserable life.

Life never went like how Severus wanted it to, and so even the precaution of using the Room of Requirement had not spared him discovery by Harry Potter. _Was it not enough that I jumped in the way of the hex Bellatrix was aiming at him? Instead of being thankful that I gave him the possibility of fulfilling his life task, he had to stumble in on my pathetic attempt to end my life. I had not even consumed half of the vial and was so shocked that someone had found me in what I thought was a protected room that I realized too late that I had stopped drinking. I was unable to end what I had started when blackness overcame me. I have not seen the brat since then. Thank Merlin. I fear I will kill him._

What was he doing there? It should have been impossible for someone to enter while he was in the Room of Requirement. How did he do it? And Merlin, _why_? Why did he come and stop him? Harry Potter of all people. It was not anger he felt, it was embarrassment that the boy had seen him like that. Over the last years they had started to tolerate each other, and in the end it was even more than that. He had taught him Occlumency and dueling, and they were quite relaxed around each other, more like two soldiers who fought for the same side than teacher and student. To be honest, Severus had to admit that Harry was not a boy anymore. He was a man. And now this man had seen him as weak as he was. He of all people had seen him cowardly. Yes, it was a cowardly act in Severus' eyes, running away from this world. _But what am I supposed to do in this world now?_ Now more than ever, he wished to be dead. How could he ever face anyone who knew about what he did? _I have to find a way to end it._

"Already raking your head, Severus?" Alastor, who just had entered the bedroom, asked.

Severus jerked his head in Alastor's direction. "You are not allowed to read my mind."

Fear was written all over Severus' face. Alastor frowned. _What the hell was he thinking about that made him jump at me? Surely nothing I would like._

"Just to make it clear, boy, I have every right to read your mind or force you to tell me what you were just thinking about if I have the suspicion that it was something that will hinder your recovery." He looked sternly at Severus. "So why don't you tell me what you were just thinking about, and we won't have to test the bond so soon."

"No," Severus shouted and hid under the blanket. He knew that this was quite childish, but he could not stop himself. He wanted Alastor to leave. _Oh, please, do not let him use the bond. He will send me back to St. Mungo's._

Alastor sighed and sat on the bed. "Come on, Severus. You knew what you were getting yourself into when you accepted this bond. Judging by your reaction, I'm quite sure that you were thinking about something I will not like, and I won't leave until you tell me." He paused and waited for a reaction from Severus. No movement was made by the lump under the blanket, and so Alastor laid a hand on Severus' shoulder. Alastor countered the half-hearted jerk that followed easily and was relieved when Severus gave in. "One way or the other. It is your choice, lad."

"No, please, do not make me tell you. I will not think about it again," Severus pleaded.

"We took you out of St. Mungo's to heal, not to dwell over things and hide them from us. I want to know what you thought about, no matter what it was. I cannot help you if you hide your thoughts from me. That's why the bond offers me the option of forcing you to speak. I'm willing to use it if you don't tell me. And remember that I know when you are lying." Alastor tried to stay calm.

Severus grabbed for the pendant and thought about pulling it off to alarm Healer Meyer. He did not want to tell Alastor. He would send him back to the Healers. If he called for Healer Meyer, Alastor would tell her about what happened, and she would insist that he tell him. Severus was sure about this. So he let go of the pendant, emerged from the blankets, and turned to Alastor. "Please, Alastor, it was stupid. I will not think about it again."

"About what?" Alastor was looking sternly at Severus.

Severus gulped and slowly shook his head.

"You had the choice, Severus," Alastor said sadly.

Running was all that Severus could think about. He jerked up, but Alastor had foreseen this and grabbed him by his shoulders. Before Severus could react, Alastor looked him deep in his eyes, and he could feel the bond again. It was as if Alastor was pulling at the strings of his soul. Severus' mouth opened, and he could not fight the words that spilled out of it. Deeply embarrassed and fearful of being sent back to St. Mungo's that he started to shake, he ended his confession minutes later. Overwhelmed, he threw himself into Alastor's arms. "Please, do not send me back, Alastor. I swear I will not do anything. Please don't...."

He could not finish his sentence because he was sobbing too hard. Tears ran over his face like little rivers. He could not remember feeling so scared in his entire life. He wished he had never had these thoughts and that Alastor had not come in at that moment. Now, it was all over. He had betrayed them, and they would throw him out. Back to St. Mungo's. Merlin, he could not bear this. He was trembling.

"Severus, calm down. I'm not sending you anywhere." Alastor hugged Severus tightly. "Shh." Alastor rubbed circles over Severus' back. "You will stay here with us, Severus, but we have to talk about this."

Slowly, Severus calmed down. When he realized that he was hugging the older man, he wriggled out of Alastor's arms. "Sorry."

Seeing Severus' blush, Alastor could hardly suppress a grin. "Sorry for what? For hugging me or for what you thought when I came in?"

On any other occasion, Severus would have felt teased by this grin, but right now it brought him relief because it proved that Alastor was not mad at him. "Both."

The grin became a smile on Alastor's face. "Never apologize for hugging me, lad. To be honest, I'm quite fond of it, but don't tell anyone."

"You are not mad at me?" Severus asked cautiously.

"No, I'm not mad at you. Not for hugging me and not for your thoughts. You already told me before the bond that you still thought about killing yourself. So I knew what I was getting into. But from now on, we have to talk about it when you feel like this, Severus, because I won't let you kill yourself again. I won't let you out of my sight, and I will feel it when you hurt yourself. Take note that I am much quicker than I look, and with a Mediwitch on hand, you have almost no chance at ending your life." He looked seriously at Severus, who had lowered his head. "Look at me, Severus." He lifted Severus' head by his chin. "I will not let you kill yourself. You are too important to me and to Poppy and many other people. We all want and need you in our lives, and one day you will see that life is worth living. There is no reason for you to end your life. You are a hero and you can live without your role as a spy. You could continue teaching or find another job as a Potions Master. People would give their right arms to employ someone with your skills. Why can't you see that? There are so many possibilities. You don't have to be a spy to be worthy of life."

Severus sighed. "It is difficult to believe that or even think about a future." He looked straight into Alastor's eyes. "I promise I will try, but sometimes these feelings overwhelm me, and I cannot stop from falling deeper and deeper in those negative thoughts. And then I cannot find a way out."

"I know now, Severus. We will talk with James about it, okay? Maybe he will find a way to make it easier for you to stop these thoughts or come to me when they start to overwhelm you," Alastor said warmly.

"Okay," Severus said in a very small voice.

"There is one more thing I would like to speak with you about," Alastor said cautiously. He was not sure if it was the right moment to address this, but he thought he should at least try.

"What?" Severus had calmed down completely. He was relieved that Alastor had been so understanding. It even felt good to speak about those thoughts. They had frightened him a lot. He knew that there were a lot of people who would be very sad when he died, and that made him want to live a little more.

"Harry. I want to talk to you about Harry," Alastor said, straightforward.

Severus' face fell, and he threw himself backwards on the sheets again, groaning. "What's about the brat?"

"The brat is concerned about you and asks about you almost every day."

Severus looked, surprised, at Alastor. "He is still at Hogwarts?"

"Hogwarts was the only place he really called home, you know that. Or don't you remember what he told us about his relatives?"

"Of course I remember," Severus mumbled.

"He asked Albus to let him stay, and Albus gave him a room in the Astronomy Tower. Harry is no longer sure about what he is going to do. I think he has abandoned the wish to become an Auror completely."

"That was a stupid idea from the beginning. He should concentrate on what he really likes. Quidditch for example," Severus said almost to himself.

"You should tell him that," Alastor said while eyeing Severus carefully.

"No, Alastor. No! I am not talking to him!" Severus sat up again. A horrible thought struck him. "You wouldn't force me to speak with him, would you?"

"Of course not, Severus." Alastor shook his head sadly. "I would never force you into something like this. To be honest, I would like to never have to force you to anything ever again. I don't enjoy this power, Severus, but I will use it if it is absolutely necessary. Then, and only then."

"Yes, I know. I was just a little caught off guard and overreacted," Severus said and lowered his head, ashamed.

"No reason to look away again, Severus. I prefer to see your face while speaking with you." Alastor again lifted Severus' chin to face him. "Harry would really like to speak with you, but if you are not ready for it, then he has to wait."

"Thank you, Alastor," Severus said.

"You are the most important person besides Poppy in my life now. Your well-being is what I have in mind. Harry has to wait until you are ready for him," Alastor said.

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_**Please review!** It is **VERY** important to me!!_


	12. Chapter 12

_Thanks a lot to my wonderful beta, saiyanwizardgurl, for correcting my story and improving it._

_Disclaimer: All recognizable characters belong to J.K. Rowling, and I am not earning anything by writing this story._

**_Dear readers,_**

_You can find the link to the wonderful drawing of Chapter 6 by Amandine on my profile page. Scroll down and on the bottom you can find the link to all the drawings for my stories.  
_

_Sunny_

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**Chapter 12 – Lunchtime**

Alastor and Severus had just finished their conversation when James and Poppy came in. Poppy was carrying a tray with potion vials. To Severus' irritation, one of them contained the hated massage oil.

"Today you can choose, Severus. Do you want me or James to give you a massage? Or shall both of us do it so that it is over sooner?" She set the tray on the night table and looked at Severus.

"Neither," Severus said grumpily.

"That isn't an option, Severus," James said as he started to undress Severus.

"I can do this by myself." Severus batted James' hands away and removed his pajama top and pants. After it, he lay down sulkily.

"So who shall it be?" Poppy asked again and uncorked the vial.

"I do not care. Just get it over with."

"Okay, then I would say we both do it, Poppy, so we can have lunch soon. We are already very late." James handed Poppy the vial after he had put some of the oil on his hands. He started with Severus' feet while Poppy started to work on Severus' right hand.

Severus was surprised that he did not feel weary. Normally, he was almost asleep at that point. He questioningly looked at Poppy. "I do not feel tired."

"Of course not. As James said, we want to eat lunch after we are finished here, and you will also take part. James has altered the potion so that it only relaxes and heals your muscles," Poppy explained. "Turn around."

Severus did what he was told and they quickly worked on his backside.

"All done, Severus. You can turn and dress again," Poppy said while cleaning her hands with a spell.

"Can I dress in something else besides pajamas?" Severus asked hopefully.

"No robes, Severus, but if you want, you can wear a shirt and tracksuit trousers. Just to remind you that you still have to rest." Poppy moved to the cupboard to fetch the clothes.

Severus glared at the clothes but took them nevertheless. "Better than those damn pajamas."

Poppy shook her head in disapproval. "You always demanded decent language from your students, but you yourself aren't watching your tone."

Severus just rolled his eyes before looking down at himself, now fully dressed. "I look ridiculous."

"You can still have your pajamas back." Poppy looked at him, scolding.

"Didn't you say something about lunch?" Severus was not hungry and did not want to eat anything, but he was eager to leave the bed. If that meant he had to eat, then he would do so.

"Yes, you are right, Severus. Let's get to eating," James said and went with Alastor to the kitchen. Severus followed slowly. Poppy was just beside him, eyeing him closely.

"I am not going to break down, Poppy," Severus said and glared at her.

"Better safe than sorry, Severus."

To Severus distress, another person was already sitting in the kitchen when they arrived. Albus stood up when he saw the ill wizard and came over to greet him. "I'm very glad you are up and able to join us for lunch." He hugged Severus, who was standing unsure of what he should do. "How do you feel, my boy?"

"Better," Severus said and passed the older wizard quickly to sit down at the table. He wanted to avoid a conversation, and his legs were already starting to protest. If he stood any longer, he was sure his legs would have given out.

"Sit down, everyone, and I'll get our pot of stew." Poppy headed to the stove and came back with a pot as big as a cauldron.

Soon, all were seated, and Poppy filled their plates. "It's your favorite stew, Severus."

Severus had already smelled it, but he still did not feel hungry. Fortunately, Poppy filled only half of his plate, and Severus gifted her with a grateful smile.

"That's the minimum you have to eat, Severus. Feel free to eat more," Poppy said warmly.

"Thank you, Poppy. I will try."

Of course, he never intended to refill his plate. It took him the same time to finish his half-full plate as Alastor needed to eat three.

"Ro has asked for you several times, Severus. She would like to visit you," Alastor said.

"When is she coming?" Rolanda Hooch was the only person Severus was not worried about seeing after his suicide attempt. She would understand him. She always did. Spending time with her would be a pleasant distraction.

"First, we wanted to ask you if you want to see her, and then James has to give his okay," Alastor explained.

"It would help to know a little bit about this Ro." James was confused. It was interesting to see that Severus was so willing to meet someone, and that made James curious. Before he would let her alone with Severus, he wanted to know if he could trust her to have an eye on Severus.

"Rolanda is the Quidditch teacher here at Hogwarts. Severus and Ro have been friends since Severus started teaching here. Sometimes, they forget that they are adults, and there is always trouble in the air where these two are together," Poppy explained.

"Is not," Severus said childishly.

Poppy raised her eyebrow. "Oh, yes, you are always so well-behaved, right? What about when you two cut all of Pomona's beloved roses? Or when you had a broom race and broke both of your legs? And – "

"Okay, okay, I think James got the point." Severus turned to the Healer. "So, I'm not allowed to see her?"

"I fear two broken legs wouldn't be good for you at the moment, but a good friend would be. So why don't we meet in the middle and say you can meet her for an hour with one of us around?" James offered.

"Why can't I speak alone with her? We will not do anything stupid, and I would like to talk with her in private."

"Hmmm." James turned to Alastor. "Maybe she could come shortly before teatime. I could speak with her in private, then we can all drink tea together and then," he turned back to face Severus, "we can decide if you can spend some time alone with her."

"That sounds as if I want to do something dirty with her," Severus said, wrinkling his nose. Ro was his best friend, yes, but she was a lesbian. Just thinking about doing something romantic or sexual with her was horrible for Severus. That made him immediately think about another person, and he wondered why she had not shown up already.

"That was your thought, not mine," James said and grinned.

"Good, then I will contact Ro and ask her to come for tea," Alastor said and left the kitchen.

"What will you talk with her about?" Severus asked between a yawn.

"About you, what else?" James eyed Severus closely and wondered if he could make it back into bed by himself. He still had to take his potions, so they would have to wake him if he fell asleep here at the table.

Severus was exhausted, but he wanted to know what James would tell Rolanda. "What exactly about me will you be discussing?" Another yawn and his shoulders slumped lower.

"We should get you into bed before you fall asleep at the table, Severus." James stood up and went over to the sleepy wizard to help him stand up.

"You have not answered my question, James," Severus mumbled.

"I will answer it on the way to the bathroom." James gently maneuvered him in the direction of the bathroom.

After helping Severus to wash his face and hands, James slowly guided the almost-sleeping wizard to the bed. "I will just tell her to be careful and that you need a lot of rest. I want her to know that you are still very ill and should not be made over-excited."

Severus growled and rolled his eyes again. "That still sounds as if you think she is my girlfriend. She is not, James."

"And why are you emphasizing this all the time? Is there someone else I should know about?"

Severus blushed. "Of course not." He turned away from the grinning Healer and mumbled, "Who would want someone like me?"

Poppy entered the room at just that moment. "I heard that, Severus," Poppy said, irritated. "You should not say things like that. You know very well that that isn't true."

"Hmpf."

When Severus had changed into his pajamas and was in the bed, Poppy gave him the potions. "And now you will sleep until teatime, Severus." Together with James, she tucked Severus in. "Sleep well," she said as she kissed the drowsing wizard on his forehead.

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**_Please review!_**


	13. Chapter 13

_Thanks a lot to my wonderful beta, saiyanwizardgurl, for correcting my story and improving it._

_A big thanks to Visitkarte for her help with the development/plot of my stories!  
_

_Disclaimer: All recognizable characters belong to J.K. Rowling, and I am not earning anything by writing this story._

**_Dear readers,_**

_My beta was very quick, and so I can give you the next chapter so soon. It was fun to write it and I felt the need to lighten he story up a little. Good friends often are the best medicine. I speak out of experience.  
_

_Sunny_

**

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Chapter 13 – The Best Medicine**

"Wake up, little brother," Rolanda whispered in Severus' ear.

In one swift movement, Severus sat up in the bed and reached for his wand. It was then that he remembered that he did not have one at the moment. He looked around and came face to face with Rolanda. "Are you crazy? Haven't they told you that I'm ill?"

"Sure they have. Sick in your head, stupid," she said and smacked him lightly on the back of his head. "What were you thinking trying to leave me alone with all these old coots?"

"Oh, fantastic, and here I was looking forward to seeing you." He rubbed the spot she had smacked and looked grumpily at her.

"Come on, you can't expect me to just ignore what you did. It was damn stupid." She looked pensively at him. "I can understand why you did it, but I don't like it. I would miss you so much, Sev. Please don't leave me alone here." Rolanda sat down on the bed and threw her arm around Severus' shoulders.

"It's hard, Ro. So damn hard," Severus said and let his head hang.

"So, how is this all working now? I mean with Alastor and Poppy and this Healer Smith?" Rolanda asked.

"I am bonded to Alastor. I cannot do anything without him noticing. He does not let me out of his sight, and he can even force me to tell the truth when he wants to. Can you imagine how that feels? I am an adult, and yet I have no choice in anything." Severus looked sadly at his friend.

"So you regret it? The bond, I mean."

"No. St. Mungo's was horrible; I would never go back there. You cannot imagine how that was. Anything is better than that." Severus shook his head. The memories of St. Mungo's made him shiver. "Alastor is very thoughtful as always, and James is also okay. Poppy is bossy, but she always is. It's a wonder she is letting us meet. Can you believe she told James about our broom racing accident and what we did with Sprout's roses?"

"Which accident?" Rolanda asked and laughed. "Come on, Sev. Don't let your head hang. Let's have some fun. We could charm Poppy's tea sour later or turn her hair green when she's not looking."

Severus held up his empty hands. "I'm not capable of wandless magic, Ro."

"They took your wand?" Rolanda looked surprised.

"I have no idea as to where it is. Perhaps it is still at St. Mungo's?" Severus mused, becoming more and more concerned. He felt naked and insecure without it.

"Don't worry, Sev. We can ask the Healer about it. I'm sure he knows where it is." She patted Severus shoulder. "Now make a happier face."

"Ro, I...." Severus started but did not finish the sentence. He sighed and changed his mind about what to say to her. "Has James already spoken with you?"

"Yes, I felt like I was taking an exam. He asked me all kinds of questions. I was just glad Poppy and Alastor weren't there. It seems I'm trustworthy enough to have contact with you, little bro," Rolanda said and ruffled Severus' hair.

"Stop it, Ro," Severus said, annoyed, and batted her hand away. "I have to change out of my pajamas." Severus looked expectantly at Rolanda.

"What?"

Severus rolled his eyes. "Could you turn away?"

Roland laughed so hard that she toppled over. "Oh, yes, I could be blinded by your pale, barren body."

Severus just glared at her.

"What? Have you grown breasts? Then I will not look away, whatever you say. Oh, please, let me see," Rolanda said and pretended to undress Severus.

"You are crazy, Ro," Severus said and batted her hands away. Then he started to change.

Rolanda sighed and threw herself on her back on the bed. Looking at the ceiling, she said, "You really are no fun, Sev. As if I haven't seen you naked, but if you wish, I will, of course, look away."

Severus said nothing. He was just relieved that she respected his wish, but she was Rolanda, and so he should never have doubted it.

"You should have heard James. He thought you were my girlfriend," Severus told Rolanda while he dressed in the shirt and trousers he had worn at lunch.

Rolanda laughed hard again. "Your girlfriend? Oh, my, I fear Minerva would gouge my eyes out."

"You are stupid, Ro." Severus grabbed for the cushion and threw it at Rolanda.

"Why? If you had the guts to ask her, she would throw herself at you. Come on, Sev, since you aged her twenty years younger when she was hurt by that Umbridge bitch, you are even more after her than before." She hit him with the cushion, but did not let go of it.

"I am not," Severus said and glared at her. "And I had to de-age her because she would not have been able to heal completely at her current age."

"Yeah, and why didn't she let you age her back? You two are horny like hell but are too stupid to act."

"She did not want to age back because she felt much better. Who would willingly let himself be aged twenty years older? It was risky to de-age her, and we could only do it because the Ministry agreed. You know it is forbidden to de-age too much because it is dangerous, and you never know of the side effects. She would have been stupid to risk it."

"Side effects." Rolanda snorted. "Surely getting more lovesick about you was one of the side effects?"

Severus was fully dressed now and turned to Rolanda. "You are so stupid." He grabbed the cushion she was holding and pushed it playfully in her face.

She grabbed for his shirt and threw him onto the bed. In one quick movement, she had him pinned to the bed by sitting on him. "Never challenge a former Quidditch champion, little bro."

Severus rolled his eyes. "I am just a little weak at the moment. Otherwise, you would have no chance."

Rolanda laughed hard. "Dream on, Sev." When she stopped laughing, she smiled at him. "It's good to have you back here at Hogwarts."

"It is good to have you as my friend, Ro. It is nice to have someone around who does not look worried about me all the time."

"I hope I don't have to worry, Sev. Don't leave me alone, okay?"

"I will try, Ro."

"That's all I need to know."

While she was occupied with her thoughts, Severus bucked her of his chest, grabbed for the cushion, and pushed it again in her face. "Very old Quidditch champion with bad reflexes." In one swift motion, he jumped from the bed. He had not felt so alive since the last battle. Rolanda was the best medicine for him. He was already looking forward to having fun with her again. The castle was still quite empty because it was the holidays, and Severus hoped that Alastor and James would let him leave the quarters soon.

_____________

Teatime was quiet and cozy. They all noticed that Severus was more relaxed and even looked happy again. He joked around with Rolanda and they discussed Quidditch.

"James, I'm shocked. How can you _not_ be interested in Quidditch?" Rolanda said.

James laughed. "I just have other hobbies."

"Like knitting? Or going to coffee parties?" Rolanda asked sarcastically.

"Watch out, James. Next, she will ask if you have breasts and throw herself at you," Severus said, grinning.

"Severus!" Poppy said, shocked.

"What? It is true," Severus said and looked challenging at Poppy.

James was glad that Severus seemed to have found the will to live again. At least for the moment. Rolanda was very good for him.

"Oh, that reminds me. Where is Minerva?" Rolanda asked Alastor.

"Ro," Severus said warningly and almost growled.

"What? I'm just worried about your physical well-being." Rolanda mocked him.

Severus could do nothing but blush.

"See what I mean, James?" Poppy said and stood up. She went over to Severus, brushed the hair out of his face, and kissed his forehead. "I'm glad to see you happy again, Severus. I think I better will go before I forget myself and scold Rolanda. I'll go visit Pomona. Don't let her annoy you about Minerva."

She turned to leave and was surprised when Severus grabbed her hand and stopped her. When she faced him again, he said, "Thank you, Poppy. Thanks for everything."

"You are quite welcome." She stroked his hair again. Turning to Alastor she asked, "Would you please clean up for me here?"

"Of course, darling. Please give Pomona my regards," Alastor replied.

"Mine, too," Severus added.

"Don't give her any from me," Rolanda said. "She ate all my favorite toffees yesterday."

Poppy shook her head and sighed. "You are unbelievable, Rolanda."

"Yeah, and you love me for it, Poppy. Don't deny it."

Poppy just shook her head again. She was almost out the door when she turned again and said, "When you leave, Rolanda, take the cookies I packed for you in the kitchen."

"Like I said, you love me, Poppy," Rolanda said and grinned. "Thanks. Not only for the cookies, I mean." Rolanda winked at Poppy.

"I hate to have to read between the lines," said Severus. "Why can't you two just speak like normal people?"

When Rolanda opened her mouth to reply, Poppy quickly said, "Never mind, I have to leave." With that she left the room.

"Really, Severus, you should be more thoughtfully with your foster mother," Rolanda said sarcastically.

"You bother Poppy and then blame me for it. That is so typical of you."

"Me?" Rolanda acted surprised. She turned to Alastor, who sat beside her. "You love me Alastor, right?" She threw herself on Alastor's lap. "I'm a good girl, right? Tell that bad Severus to stop annoying me." She played childish and pushed her bottom lip out.

Alastor put a hand on her forehead. "Maybe I should reserve a hospital bed for you. You seem to be ill. Or would a round over my lap help you to get a hold of yourself and mind you tone?"

"I vote for the last option, and please administer it in front of us," Severus threw in.

"Maybe you both need a spanking to remember that we have a guest who isn't used to your bickering," Alastor said playfully and swatted Rolanda's butt, which made her jump up from his lap.

"No, I think Sevypoo needs a spanking more than me, so I will leave you to it. I have to go speak with Minerva."

"You will not," Severus said quickly and stood up.

"I will," Rolanda said and went to the door.

"Ro!" Severus growled.

She stopped at the door and turned to Severus. "I only had an hour Sev, sorry. Your Healer said you have to rest. So will you rest?"

"What?" Severus had no idea why she changed the subject.

"Will you rest? Your answer will influence my decision about what I tell Min." She looked mischievously at Severus.

Severus glared at her. "I will rest, and you will not tell Minerva anything."

"Oh, so you admit that there is something to tell her?"

"Rolanda," Severus said warningly.

She just grinned at him. "Okay, rest well and I will see you tomorrow. Be a good boy so that they let you out soon. We have to use this student-free time for having fun in the castle." She blew a kiss to him before waving to Alastor and James. "Till tomorrow."

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_**Please review!**_


	14. Chapter 14

_Thanks a lot to my wonderful beta, saiyanwizardgurl, for correcting my story and improving it._

_A big thanks to my brainstorming beta, Visitkarte, for her help!  
_

_Disclaimer: All recognizable characters belong to J.K. Rowling, and I am not earning anything by writing this story._

**

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Chapter 14 – The Bath**

When Poppy came back, Severus was sitting in a big comfortable armchair near the fireplace. A blanket lay over his legs, and he was sleeping.

"How is he?" Poppy asked Alastor, who was reading the new edition of _Auror's Account_.

"He fell asleep half an hour ago. I thought I better let him sleep so that he has enough energy for supper," Alastor replied while watching his wife gently adjust the blanket over Severus' legs.

"Yes, I'm glad he rested without our pestering," Poppy said.

"Your pestering, you mean," Alastor replied cheekily.

"Oh, yes, you can always play the good guy, and I have to be the scolding mother. But this time you won't have it so easy. He is bound to you and not me."

"Thank Merlin for that," Severus growled.

"I thought you were sleeping," Poppy said.

"I was until a mollycoddling woman came and tucked in my blanket and stroked my damn hair."

"Language, Severus," Poppy scolded.

Severus only rolled his eyes and drew the blanket up to his chest.

"How do you feel, Severus?" Poppy asked as she waved her wand over him.

"I think you will tell me soon," Severus said grumpily.

"My, you are in a bad mood, Severus. Are you in pain? Or is it something else?" Poppy asked and could not hide the concern in her voice.

"I am fine," Severus said and tried to hide shiver that went through his whole body.

"I can see that," Poppy said and spelled Severus blanket warm.

"What's wrong?" Alastor came over and scanned Severus with his magical eye.

Severus backed away a bit. "I am just a little cold." He looked scared at Alastor. He did not even know why.

"Maybe eating in bed would be better," Alastor suggested.

"No." Severus looked pleadingly at Poppy and Alastor.

"I don't think it would harm him to eat with us in the kitchen. I can place a Warming Spell on his clothes, and he can eat some chicken soup," Poppy explained to Alastor. Turning to Severus she added, "But then it is off to bed with you, and I don't want to hear any complains about the massage."

Severus groaned grumpily. "I am not a child."

"No, you are not, but you are still weak, so we'll have a close eye on you. After a few days – if you cooperate – you will be given more freedom, Severus. Just be a little patient," Poppy said softly.

"Where will I sleep?" Severus asked, already fearing the answer.

Poppy sighed, but before she could answer, Alastor said, "Together with us, at least for tonight, but tomorrow we can discuss you sleeping in your own room. It will depend upon your behaviour, Severus. Remember what I told you. I will not let you do it again. If I have the slightest suspicion that you are planning something stupid, you will be back in our bed again. I won't lie to you, so I'll tell you in advance that I will be placing a Monitoring Charm on your room. It will inform me if you aren't feeling well. James said there could be drawbacks and periods of pain. Seeing you with Ro today made me hope that you could find the will to live, and I'm willing to give you freedom as long as I don't have to fear that you will abuse it."

He had to try it, and so Severus asked, "May I have my wand back?"

Alastor stared at Severus, trying to organize his thoughts. "I think we can talk about that after supper when you get your massage." It was obvious that this was not a topic Alastor was looking forward to discussing.

"That's a good idea. I will cook some soup, and you can help Severus take a shower," Poppy suggested cheerfully

"I do not require assistance. I can shower alone," Severus said, mortified.

"In your condition? I think not. The risk that you'll break down in the shower is too high. A nice bath would be best. It will warm you up better than this blanket." With that, Alastor pulled the coverlet away.

A shiver shook Severus again._ What's wrong with me now? Haven't I already had enough problems?_

As if Poppy could read his thoughts, she said, "Don't worry, Severus. It's just from the nap. Your body still has problems regulating temperature. You will feel much better after a bath."

Alastor helped Severus up and nipped all protests in the bud. "That doesn't stand for argument, Severus."

"Don't forget to add the potion on the shelf, Alastor," Poppy said while leaving for the kitchen.

In the bathroom, Severus shifted nervously from one foot to the other, even though it caused him pain. His last massage was after lunch and his muscles hurt.

"Come on, lad, out of your clothes, or do you need help?" Alastor asked.

"No," Severus said, shocked, and pulled the bathrobe tighter around his body.

"Then get yourself ready for the tub while I draw the water and add the potion." _And a few bubbles so you won't be so embarrassed_, Alastor added in his mind.

When Alastor was finished, Severus stood shivering in his boxers in the middle of the room. He had relaxed a little after seeing that Alastor had added bubbles to the bath. Nevertheless, he felt the urge to hold his hands in front of his boxers.

Alastor rolled his eyes. "Really, Severus, I'm not Rolanda. Get yourself in the tub." He ordered while going to the sink and turning his back to Severus. "And without your underwear."

Severus groaned, but took Alastor's unspoken offer of undressing in private and quickly went into the tub. Hearing the splashing sound, Alastor turned again and sat on the toilet seat. "So, how do you feel?"

"Hmmm. It smells good," Severus said dozily.

"It's James' recipe. It's good for your muscles and your nerves," Alastor explained.

"My wand?" Severus asked dreamily with his eyes shut.

"After supper," Alastor answered shortly. "Minerva asked me if she can come by for breakfast tomorrow," he said innocently.

Severus eyes snapped open. "What did she say?"

"She ask me if she could come for break – "

"About me," Severus said, impatient, and sat up a little.

Alastor grinned. "What would she say about you?"

Severus groaned and dived under the surface. When he emerged again, Alastor said, "Time to clean you up." With that, he threw a sponge into the water. "Need help?"

"No," was the grumpy reply.

While Severus sponged himself, Alastor said, "She asks about you every day. How you are, if you feel better, if she could visit you. After the last words you said to her, she was unsure if you want to see her."

Severus stopped and looked questioningly at the old Auror. "What did I say?"

"That nobody can help you and that she shouldn't have come to visit you. It was in the hospital. Don't you remember?"

Severus tried hard, but could not remember having said any of that to Minerva. He knew she had visited him, but most of what happened in the hospital was a blur. "No."

"So what about breakfast tomorrow? Can I tell her she can come?"

"Sure," Severus answered, still deep in thought, trying to remember if he really had said all that to Minerva. _No_ _wonder she has not visited me since I came here_.

Poppy peeked into the bathroom. "How much more time will you two need? I'm finished with the soup."

Severus shifted deeper into the water, and Alastor rolled his eyes again at his shy behaviour. "We are almost finished. We will join you in a few minutes."

After Poppy had closed the door, Alastor waved his wand and slowly drained the tub. He could have Vanished the water completely, but this way Severus had time to hide himself. Handing him a towel, Alastor ordered, "Here, dry yourself. If you need help, just say so." With that, he turned again to the sink, pretending that he had to wash his hands.

Severus managed to dress in his new boxers before he slumped down on the toilet seat, exhausted. Hearing Severus' weary sigh, Alastor turned. Without saying anything, he started to dress Severus. Speaking about it would only embarrass the proud Potions Master even more.

After a peaceful supper and a massage, Severus drifted into a much-needed sleep between Poppy and Alastor, the question of his wand long forgotten.

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Please review!**_


	15. Chapter 15

_Thanks a lot to my wonderful beta, saiyanwizardgurl, for correcting my story and improving it._

_A big thanks to my brainstorming beta, Visitkarte, for her help!  
_

_Disclaimer: All recognizable characters belong to J.K. Rowling, and I am not earning anything by writing this story._

**_Dear readers,_**

_I'm sorry, but I had to end this story. I didn't feel comfortable with writing it any longer. I don't write fanfiction because I think I'm a good writer, I write them to cope with my experiences at work and my disease. Just to balance me. Personally, I think I wrote a good end for it, even though some questions are still unanswered. I'm absolutely sure that I will write a sequel one day, but right now I need a break. I hope you aren't disappointed and like the last chapter nevertheless._

_One last question. A reviewer told me my summary is misleading. I don't now what he/she meant. If someone can help me please let me know!  
_

_Please leave me a comment._

_Sunny_

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**Chapter 15 – His Love**

Severus slowly woke up. The first thing he realized was that he had drooled on his cushion, and the second was that his hand was resting on something furry. Something warm and furry. With a jolt, he sat up in bed.

At the same moment, a tabby cat jumped in the air with her fur standing up to make her look three times bigger. Her hiss could have come from a tiger. Seconds after landing on the floor, the tabby cat changed into its human from. "Severus, you almost gave me a heart attack!" Minerva grabbed her chest, still looking shocked at Severus.

"Minerva, have you taken leave of your common sense? I'm an Ex-Death Eater. What if I had my wand? I could have killed you," Severus said seriously. Just thinking about what could have happened made him shiver.

"The emphasis lays on _ex_, Severus. Even if you had your wand, you would not have hexed me," Minerva said now that she had calmed down. She slowly sat down on the bed near Severus.

"At least one of us is sure about this." Severus shook his head in disbelief. Thinking back to the situation made him look, shocked, at Minerva again. "We were lying together in Poppy's and Alastor's bed?"

"I was in my cat form, Severus." Minerva just rolled her eyes.

"Why did they let you in?" Severus asked while propping himself on his elbows.

Minerva looked as if she was trying to find the right words. "I wanted to speak with you, Severus."

He had the misgiving that he knew what she wanted to speak about. "Minerva – "

"No, Severus, please let me speak first," Minerva said to interrupt him. "I know what we agreed to was because of the war. I understood that you did not want to risk my life by having a relationship with me. It was hard to accept, but I did. I really hoped that after the war we could build a relationship, but when the time had come, you withdrew from me and all the others. I thought you needed time, and when I realized what you were going to do, it was too late. You pushed me away in the hospital, and I was unsure if you ever wanted to see me again. I still feel the same for you as I did before this all happened, but what's about you? Have I waited for nothing?"

Severus let himself fall back onto the bed. "Minerva…." He felt a lump build in his throat. "I still love you, Minerva, but I am not sure I can act on that feeling right now. There are too many confusing things at the moment. This Bond, living here, the Healers, it is all quite confusing."

"I can wait, Severus, as long as you tell me there is something to wait for." She took his hand and looked deep into his eyes.

Severus took Minerva's hand in both of his. "There is, Minerva. I love you, but I want to love you as a strong man, not as the weakling I am right now."

"Oh, Severus." Minerva threw herself on his chest and was relieved when he encircled her with his arm. "I love you just as you are. I don't care if you are weak or hurt or strong or whatever."

"I know, Minerva, but I do. I promise to try to get healthy and strong as fast as possible. Until then, let's take it easy," Severus said calmly as he hugged her tighter. How much he had missed her.

"Don't push me away again," Minerva whispered into his chest.

"I won't, Minerva," Severus said and placed a kiss on top of her head.

The kiss made Minerva look up. "How slow do we have to go?"

He grinned and kissed her. "We shall see." His stomach rumbled and reminded him that it was time for breakfast.

Breakfast passed uneventfully. "I will come back later, Severus." Minerva promised, kissed Severus on his cheek, and left for her meeting with Pomona and Rolanda.

Alastor would have loved to tease Severus about Minerva, but Poppy had threatened to have him sleep on the couch for the next days if he did. _Why does that woman always have to spoil all the fun?_ Alastor thought while watching a blushing Severus.

Knowing her husband, Poppy could imagine what was going on in his head and that he was calculating if it would be worth the punishment to mock Severus. Sometimes, he really was impossible. _But so am I._ "Alastor wanted to speak to you about your wand."

Alastor shortly glared at Poppy, but then turned to the hopeful-looking Severus. "Let's go to your room."

_Yes, my wand and my own room. Things are getting better hour by hour,_ Severus thought happily.

"Poppy and James agreed with me that from now on you can sleep in this room," Alastor said as he led Severus over to the room opposite their bedroom. "Like I already told you, I placed a Monitoring Charm on the room. It will inform me if you have difficulties sleeping or if you are in pain. It's not much, but it is at least a little more privacy for you." Alastor gestured in the room. It was a mid-sized room with a comfortable bed, a cupboard, many shelves for his books, and a desk. "You can decorate later, and we can gather your books or whatever you want from the dungeons."

"It's fine, thank you," Severus said. The room was bigger than he had expected, and he would have everything he needed. A desk meant they would let him work, and Alastor even offered to get his own things from the dungeons. He would never teach again, but Potions was what he loved most. Maybe there really would be an opportunity to start an own business in Hogsmead. Severus went over to the bed and sat down. His gaze fell on the night table on which his wand lay.

Alastor saw Severus' gaze and said, "You can have it back, but there are some adjustments. I know your wand is something very private and important, and I'm sorry for having it altered, but as long as we still – "

"I understand," Severus interrupted. He did not want to hear it. He just was happy to have his wand back. He had felt naked without it.

"You can't cast anything harmful. Just spells for the daily routine and protection charms." Alastor felt very uncomfortable about it. Altering someone's wand was as bad as looking into his mind without permission. At least that was what his old Auror instinct was telling him. It had to be done to protect Severus, but that didn't make it easier for Alastor.

Severus held his wand in hand as if it was the greatest present he had ever received. He felt more alive with it. He felt safe in Alastor and Poppy's quarters, but the outside would be another thing. "Can I meet Ro outside the quarters this afternoon?"

"Two hours for the first day, and then it depends on your condition. You are no prisoner, Severus. We just want to protect you," Alastor explained. This Bond was harder than he had thought. It compelled him to keep Severus safe. He would like to force him to stay where he had a close eye on him and could not do something stupid, but he knew that this would not help Severus to find his will to live again. Healer Meyer and James had supported him in giving Severus a little more freedom. If Severus tried to kill himself, he would feel it immediately. Not even Hogwarts' Anti-Apparation wards could prevent him from getting to Severus, but the fear that it could nevertheless be too late was great. Before the Bond, Alastor had felt protective of Severus, but that was nothing compared to what he felt now. No wonder this Bond is only allowed to be cast when there are others ensuring that nobody abuses it. You have to be strong to not wrap the person you have to take care of in cotton and hide him from all the bad in the world.

"_Accio_." Severus grinned like a school boy getting his first wand when the quill hovered in the air. It felt good to do magic again.

"I'll leave you alone," Alastor said and headed for the door.

"Alastor?" Severus called for the older man. When Alastor turned to him again, Severus said, "Thank you for everything. I am very grateful that you got me out of there. It was horrible…." Severus felt a lump build in is throat that made it difficult to go on.

"It's okay, I know." Alastor tried to assure Severus that he did not have to thank him.

"No, you don't. You cannot imagine what it meant for me to be there. Having my wand back…it is quite…amazing, regardless of adjustments. You don't have to worry. I am very grateful for everything you and Poppy have done. I will not abuse the freedom you are granting me."

Alastor smiled sadly. "Is it so obvious?"

Severus shrugged with his shoulders. "You look different. I have never seen you so worried before. The bond disturbes you, doesn't it?"

"Yes, but I don't regret it. I want to help you, and I will learn to take it easy when I see that I can trust you to not do something stupid while I'm not around."

"I will promise not to try to kill myself, but doing something stupid?" Severus asked sarcastically.

"Brat." Alastor shook his head and rolled his good eye.

"You know that looks scary, old man?" Severus asked, looking at the magical eye that still stared in his direction.

"Yes, that's the point." With a grin, Alastor left the room.

Severus threw himself on his back and clasped his hands behind his head. _My own room, my own bed, and I have my wand back. Ro is not mad at me and still wants to spend time together. Minerva is still interested and, Merlin, I love that woman. I did not even know I was still capable of those feelings until she visited me today. Alastor tries hard to give me more freedom and does not use the Bond against me, even when it makes him feel uncomfortable._ He could not have found a better person to be Bonded to. He was out of the hospital with people that loved him and cared that he lived. No, he did not feel like a prisoner any longer. _Maybe my life can really get better._

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There will come a sequel 100%, but I can't tell you when.** Please review!**  
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